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Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
A man threatened legal action when he discovered that instead of a staff member ordering him in Candyman: the horror film, they ordered in the CD single of Candy Man by Christina Aguilera
My employer added a clause in my last NDA stating that I was prohibited from saying anything “disparaging” about the company. Now when anyone asks about job postings I tell them, “I’m contractually obligated not to say anything disparaging about them.” None have ever applied.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
[etched on my tombstone]
THE DIET STARTS TOMORROW
“It’s raining men. Hallelujah.”
-The lesser known 11th plague that God sent to the Egyptians
5yo: Daddy, what’s a facial?
Me: Your brother.
5yo: I don’t have a brother!?
Me: Exactly!
Dental Hygenist: can I ask a question?
Me: You’ve had your fingers in my mouth for 15 minutes, ask whatever you want
I counted the yard signs in my neighborhood, and “ADT Home Security” is going to win in a landslide.
Last weekend at a friend’s house I shouted “Alexa! play the last argument” and they both panicked
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Got food poisoning and the restaurant offered me a voucher for a free meal. You know, because they didn’t get me the first time.
Disappointed it’s raining this weekend
Was totally going to do that job I’ve been putting off for 6 months
i’d be extra scared if a break-in occurred while i was in the shower and the burglar saw me in there, fully clothed and eatin my soup
I admit I’m not very handy, but there are many other areas in which I also do not excel.
Are my affairs in order? What, like chronologically or alphabetically or largest to smallest? Because then still no.
[text message]
Coworker: Can I call you quick?
Me: No, that’s what my wife calls me
wife: Why is there ice cream in the dryer!?
me [whispers to toddler] Why is there ice cream in the dryer?
toddler [whispers] Because it was wet
me: Because it was wet!
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Me: I hear you love company?
Mystery: No, that’s Misery
Me: Oh
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery:
Me:
Mystery: OR IS IT
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
Normal things that become creepy when you look both ways before doing them:
Pick up a kid
Unlock a door
Load a rolled rug into your trunk
i kept all our old baby gates to make sure no new babies got IN the house.
my date ended up being a mannequin
i was so embarrassed at the restaurant and then at the movies
This dog is a visual representation of my phone distracting me from work
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
omfg can’t draw but I was just biking on some country roads, saw no one for miles. I loudly greeted the farmers dog at the exact moment a silent road cyclist whipped past. he definitely did not see the dog. he definitely thought I called him a puppy. I will never forget his face
Prostate exams do suck but I appreciate how thorough my dentist is.
Marriage, when you drink as much as possible before your husband gets home so you can just drink 1 glass of wine in front of him.
Some would call it a well set out plan for the future.
The judge, however called it compelling evidence
*eye roll*