Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.
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Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.
Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.
Me: *sprints to the toaster*
I just saw 30 seconds of Glee and now I’m gay. Send glitter.
I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.
When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?
WHY DO BUGS KEEP FLYING AROUND YOU WHEN YOU ARE CLEARLY TRYING TO KILL THEM
Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.
When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.
Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.