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@msdanifernandez

Did you guys hear about the football player who hits women? No the other one. No the other one.

@WilliamRodgers

Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???

Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..

Hips: No…. It’s his…

Me: Shut up Hips!

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: I put my Barbie in the tanning bed.

Me: You don’t have a Barbie tanning bed.

4:

Me: *sprints to the toaster*

@sandjoeman

I love when people tell me they’ll “see me in hell” as if I’m not gonna weasel my way out of those plans too.

@slimmy_shady

When I have a daughter I’m naming her Leroy. No guy will ever say “Yo bro I hooked up with Leroy last night” how would that sound?

@martinMmorrow

Am *I* rich? Ha. Well let’s just say I told my Uber driver she could order something from Taco Bell too if she wanted.

@beefman138

When they told you to ‘seek attention’, they meant ‘medical’, not ‘internet’, psychopath.

@GingerHotDish

Imagine my surprise at the school Thanksgiving “costume” party, when I showed up as Poison Ivy and everyone else was dressed as pilgrims.