Heard my mom tell my dad to “stop tossing her salad” at the dinner table and now I can’t look at either one of them without laughing…
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If pronouncing my b’s as v’s makes me sound Russian, then soviet.
Relationship status: Page 7 of @funTweeters
Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
That depressing moment you thought a hot chick was checking you out in the beer aisle but only to find out she was just a cardboard cutout.
So, if he gets divorced for the third time…
Does Melania get to keep the White House?
Ground Control: the papers want to know whose shirts you wear!
Major Tom: tell my wife I love her very—
Ground Control: WHAT SHIRTS TOM
Pharrell Williams put out a fire on Kim Kardashian’s dress this week. Dude is really taking that Smokey the Bear hat of his to heart.
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
starting group chats is like that fox chicken & bag of grain riddle where you cant put certain guys in the same boat or theyll kill everyone
bugs when you lift up a rock
Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
It’s so dumb to be on this app, why do I have a diary where people can yell at me
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
People who reply “LOL” but don’t retweet are like if a doctor shook a bottle of pills in your direction to treat your disease.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
She died as she lived—cursing while stirring a jar of natural peanut butter.
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
My yogurt just moved. Paranormal activia.
*In Hospital*
Me: So nurse, when are you giving me my sponge bath? *slow wink*
Nurse: Right after I administer your enema you didn’t need until just now. *slower wink, snaps gloves*
doctor: do you have a name picked out?
me: yah it’s St-
wife: we are not naming our daughter starscream
[palm reader touches my hand and immediately gets a nose bleed and passes out]
me: what’s that mean
on my last dying breath saying “please… tell her I love her…” and then handing a stranger a heart locket and when they open the necklace it’s a selfie of me
Me: And then, for absolutely no reason, they changed the stars to hearts! We were all so mad
Syrian Refugee: omg please send me back
the way parents struggle with understanding remote work is funny.
me: *comes down to grab some water*
mum: is everything okay, did you take permission?
mil: are they happy with you?
me: 😂😂😂😂 I Dont know guys, leave me alone 😂
Me: Why does the neighbor always watch me while I’m gardening?
Her: He’s a paramedic.
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Old stoners don’t die. They blow this joint.
ROBBER: [looking through a drawer]
ME: [coming downstairs with a hockey stick]
ROBBER: [putting hands up] I’ll leave please don’t hurt me-
ME: Oh my god please don’t tell my wife I’m going to play 2 am hockey