[Interrogation room]
Me: *throws chair at wall* TALK
Chair: OK OK…the beast keeps the rose in his chambers
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The Internet lets the world instantly know my thought but…they can’t make a microwave that I can put metal in.
Someone isn’t trying.
I have yet again allowed myself to get one year older. Thinking about doing it at least one more time.
Whenever a girl is talking too much, remind yourself that other thing she does with her mouth that you like so much. Might dull the pain 😉
Stranger things? You should see Tinder.
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
Coworker: “How was your weekend?”
Me: “You know, they killed Socrates because he asked too many questions.”
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I ain’t cray-cray, I’m inappro-pro.
I hate when I’m cleaning my house and accidentally watch three seasons of a show.
Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
uʍop ǝpısdn pǝuɹnʇ-pǝddıןɟ ʇob ǝɟıן ʎɯ
ʍoɥ ʇnoqɐ ןןɐ ʎɹoʇs ɐ sı sıɥʇ ‘ʍou
*catching up with an old friend* So how’s your gut fauna?
I find it hilarious that this ant is pretending like he doesn’t care that I can kill him with one finger. Yea okay, keep walking tough guy.
I can’t. I’m busy tonight. I have to do laundry and block everyone who takes their engagement photos in a barn.
It must be almost impossible for chalk-outline guys not to turn victims’ hands into turkeys this time of year.
If my dad asks, there’s definitely NOT a karate tournament in our house tomorrow at 3.07pm *wink*
Imagine being a licensed therapist scrolling Twitter just basking in the never ending job security
I see Atheists are fighting and killing each other again, over who doesn’t believe in any God the most. Oh, no..wait.. that never happens.
me when someone doesn’t believe me and they google it and see I’m right
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
This will never not be funny to me.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
I like “found family” over “chosen family” because it makes it sound like I discovered them under a rock. like bugs. or worms
I don’t need a boyfriend, I need someone to roll me up in a carpet and throw me off a cliff.
“I wrote a song for you” he threatened.
I’m not surviving a horror movie…first of all, I’m not running anywhere
“You miss 100% of the shots you don’t take,” I whisper to myself as I hit send on that sixth unanswered text
Watched Gladiator again and imagined characters engaging in mundane conversations:
Maximus: ‘Are you going to the Colosseum tonight?’
Juba: ‘Nah, got laundry to do. Can’t wear bloodstained armor all the time, you know.’
If getting a tan is wrong then I don’t wanna be white.