If I stay in bed too long my sheets eventually detach from the corner of my mattress like my bed is patting me on the back to let me know the hug is over.
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Corona Virus explained in craft terms: you and 9 friends are crafting. 1 is using glitter. How many projects have glitter?
I used to be an atheist until my 8YO started asking for help with her math homework
Some of you won’t be ready for pumpkin spice in 2 months and it shows.
If everybody was happy in relationship there wouldn’t be any good music.
Thunder is fake. It doesn’t even sync up properly with lightning. There’s some guy who waits till he sees lightning and then he presses the thunder button.
Men only want ONE THING and it’s to have a portrait hidden in their attic that becomes ugly and twisted while they remain young and beautiful forever
SNAKE: im gonna bite you
SNAKE CHARMER: u are so sexy
S: wha-
SC: *presses finger to lips* still wana bite me?
S: *blushes* well not anymore
ME: I’d like to return this
CLERK: Ma’am, we don’t sell… VCRs from the 90s?
ME: I bought it here
CLERK: At Old Navy?
ME: *stamping foot* This used to be a Radio Shack!
CLERK:
ME: Store credit, then?
The pilgrims ate so much at the first Thanksgiving that they had to unbuckle their hats.
nurse: *hands me a urine specimen cup* the bathroom’s over there
[later]
nurse: it’s empty
me: oh I didn’t need it, there was a toilet
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
I hate it when I’m having a relaxing shower & the mall security guard screams “Get out of the water fountain” & “Put your clothes back on”.
I aspire to be a stay-at-home mom with no kids
GENIE: and for your first wish?
ME: I wish that the end of every bag of chips was the start of another
GENIE: holy shit!
the coronavirus really making people awaken their inner “A guy bought 20 watermelons” from those math problems
[ultrasound]
DOCTOR: oh my god!
HER: what’s wrong?
DOCTOR: Ok don’t panic but it looks as though you swallowed a baby
Changing my name to Shotgun so my friends call me
I think I’ll stand
“What time is it?”
*pulls out phone, checks Twitter, puts phone away*
*Still has no idea what time it is*
mary: my water broke
joseph: why do I smell grapes
Any driver who sees this will immediately crash.
Don’t ask me for directions
I got lost on an elevator once.
The first step when putting on a fitted sheet is, nope, it goes the other way.
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
Not to brag but my wife bought toothpaste because she thought it was almost empty and I squeezed out paste for two more months.
American Horror Story: Public Restroom
Angel: Whatcha makin?
God: I call them peanuts. A tasty treat in a protective shell. They’re not really a fruit or vegetable. Most people will love to eat them.
Angel: That sounds innovative-
God: Others will eat them and die
Angel: …is this a prank?
them: schedules a work meeting after 4pm
me: my mom says i’m not allowed out after dark
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.