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*sees guy dressed as ghost for Halloween*
Hey buddy thats not funny, my grandma is a ghost


[looking at flocks of squawking crows]
We have to stop these senseless murders


Her: it’s been three weeks but the dog still hasn’t passed my wedding ring. I think we should just give up

Me: really? After all the shit we’ve been through?


I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as this normal?

Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.


Fact: If you eat a slice of pizza fast enough, your body won’t understand how many calories are in it.


me: dinosaurs can’t talk

her: how do u know

me: they’re all dead, barb