I just won $8 on a scratch ticket. Lock up your girlfriends, I got that double cheeseburger money
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Why did the cup of tea I made you explode in your face?
I used Michael Bay leaves.
I’ll leave.
If life has taught me one thing, it’s that I need more money.
my little sister is staying home for her first semester of college so i’m gonna puke in her shower and set off the fire alarm at 3am so she can get the true freshman year dorm experience
If she’s your girlfriend why is she leaning over the side of the boat to touch me in a way she will never touch you?
There is a school auction tonight, but I don’t know if I’m ready to buy a whole school
These birds at my feeder. None of them have a plan.
My kiddo came into my room, kissed my forehead and said “I’m sorry you’re fat.”
How’s your morning?
Remember that time you found out your crush felt the same way? It’s kinda like that, but it’s just me discovering there are still Pringles in this can.
“what do you do for fun?”
“oh…lots of things…like…like…” *backs slowly away until i fall off a ledge*
roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
*stands up in the middle of a quiet library*
FAKE NOODLES ARE CALLED IM-PASTAS
[noir detective voice] I knew she was a ghost the second she walked through my door
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Him: This is the best sand castle I’ve ever built!
Her: We’re gonna die in this desert aren’t we?
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
So it turns out that fat bearded man whose lap I was sitting on at the mall wasn’t Santa. LOL drugs.
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
That snake Lucifer sent into the Garden of Eden was actually meant to be a cat but it didn’t feel like taking orders.
I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
The government isn’t using twitter to spy on you. They are using EVERYTHING to spy on you. Amazon? Spy. That banana? Spy. Your mom? Spy.
Me: We were supposed share that bag of chips.
Her: It was mostly air.
Me:
Her: I saved you that part.
I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
If you get drunk and message your ex, don’t worry. When you wake up, send bitcoin ads and pretend you were hacked.
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
After decorating the house, I spilled cheap vodka on some glitter and dirt I was sweeping up.
Now, my house looks like Ke$ha.
Everyone should own large grizzly bear in case they ever need to defend themselves against one.
this plan is WAY too aggressive imho