If you died and became a ghost haunting a graveyard you’d save ~$800 a month in rent. That’s over 600k a year. Being broke is a mindset and there’s no excuse for it
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I’m in that magical stage of parenting where I don’t need to change diapers or carry baby gear but I also don’t have to deal with teenage problems yet and my kids still think I’m smart and funny…how do I stay here???
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Let’s be honest Jurassic Park is about capitalistic hubris not science gone wrong. The science went gloriously right
“Can I help you?”
“Please communicate my desire to open a dialogue with the ownership of this establishment regarding the possible procurement of gainful employment as promulgated by the advertisement affixed to the portal.”
“So, you’re here about the job?”
“Most indubitably.”
In hindsight, naming my family portrait studio Let Me Shoot Your Kids, was probably not the best business decision.
Dr: do you know why you gained weight?
*Flashbacks to eating fries in the car sobbing and blasting Adele*
Me: no, better run some tests
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
I’ve always been a late bloomer. Everyone is going on about Barbie and Oppenheimer and I’m still here posting my wordle
Them: You’ve changed.
Me: hmm doesn’t sound like something I’d do.
Customer: I can’t see. How many sugar and fiber are in this bar?
Me: 7 sugar 5 fiber
C: That’s not very healthy… Just the smokes then.
Just killed a giant fucking spider with my wife’s bare hand.
I’ve become totally immune to clickbait and YOU WON’T BELIEVE HOW I DID IT.
How are we supposed to fear a storm named Grayson? I’m fighting an urge to iron its prep school uniform or ask it for investment advice.
Other parents don’t want to be friends with us once they find out our child folds his own laundry and doesn’t need braces.
Reached the stage of parenting where I just found a garlic press in the shower and I didn’t even want to ask why.
Why was six afraid of seven? Generations of institutionalized bigotry.
I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
ME: (to my heist crew) let’s ditch our getaway car in this pond
(puts rock on gas pedal, car revs into pond, disappears underwater)
ME: ok now….wait what’s that splashing
(Car emerges from the water on the far shore and just keeps going)
NARRATOR: The all new Chevy Malibu
There’s a whole world of people out there!
*closes the door*
I try to compartmentalize, but then I remember that’s how they built the titanic.
I used to be so confused how people could forget where they parked but now I’m like what store did I just leave?
Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
[school teacher job interview]
Can I ask you some questions?
I don’t know CAN you?
haha impressive [stands] welcome aboard!
Dear Ad Agencies,
Please stop using doorbells in your TV commercials.
On behalf of dog owners everywhere,
Thanks!
Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.
*Bruno Mars on the radio*
Wife: Would you catch a grenade for me?
Brain: Just say, YES!
Me: Has the pin been pulled?
Brain: Idiot!
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
The average person swallows 8 cats per year in their sleep.