But most of all, I regret that my actions have led to negative consequences for me
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[5 hours into assembling a new bed for my kid] you’ll get used to sleeping on the floor in no time at all
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I support robot taxis. How else are robots supposed to get around?
I’m really looking forward to getting a full 8 hours of overthinking in tonight.
I waved to a man because I thought he waved at me.
Apparently he waved to an other woman. So to get out of the awkward situation I kept my hand up and a taxi pulled over and drove me to the airport. I am now in Poland starting a new life.
My parents didn’t raise me to be rude, I had to practice
My friends wife threatened to leave him over his Star Wars collectibles and I was like divorce is strong in this one.
Gave my family the wrong address for our beach rental. Hoping to get a couple days in before they find me.
[2 friends fighting at Denny’s]
Chicken: *gritting teeth* I’ll have the bacon
Pig: *staring down the chicken* And I’ll be having the EGGS!
Nothing gets you out of the Christmas mood faster than wrapping gifts.
And they lived apathetically ever after.
Canadian girls wear sundresses all year round. Sometimes it’s just underneath flannel.
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
Friend: your kid is bouncing off the walls and running everywhere!
Me: yeah… she’s super tired
Friend: tired?
Me: it’s complicated
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
“I trust my boyfriend, I would never go thru his phone”
-girls who can’t figure out boyfriend’s passwords
I really loved the idea of moving and re-decorating until I realized one pillow is literally $25
There are 2 words that have opened a lot of doors for me in my life.
Push and Pull.
“I left my carrot cake from the restaurant in the Uber” and other sad tales of city living.
I wasn’t going to follow you but that bible verse in your bio totally changed my mind.
Even in mid-air, when we
can see nothing but the clouds, my kid can still rock the question, ‘are we there yet’
remember when the fbi would threaten you at the beginning of every vhs tape, that was pretty cool
Do I have a girlfriend!? Are you kidding me? DO YOU KNOW HOW MUCH TOILET PAPER THOSE THINGS USE!?
*at hostage negotiation class
Prof: Let’s go around and say why we’re here
Man: I joined the NYPD
Woman: I’m in the FBI
Me: I have a toddler
bro: she stressing u out g??
me:
NFT’s are played out. For the rest of 2022 we’re buying real monkeys, straight cash
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together & there was only one life jacket, I’d miss you and think of you often.
This is the greatest Twitter thread ever
My Mom has been smelling something burning since 1983.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.