All I’m saying is you’ll never find cheese in a recipe for disaster.
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Cute girl: omg I love this bread
[At the next table]
Jesus: [loudly, holding up a slice of bread] so this is my body
Hey guys who are angry that women are taking a stand against cat-calling, stop with all that scowling, you look so pretty when you smile!
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
[Cop arresting a centipede]
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*clink*
*opens crate of new handcuffs*
*clink*
*clink*
*clin
A good friend bails you out of jail, a best friend is sitting in the cell right next to you, a worst friend framed both of you for murder.
I’m so old that if I was a Care Bear, I’d be Medicare Bear.
THERAPIST: tell me about your childhood
THE PREDATOR FROM ALIEN VS PREDATOR: well, when I was a child predator…
THERAPIST: ok, first let’s talk about phrasing
FIRST KID: I’d rather not medicate her.
SUBSEQUENT CHILDREN: *Googles, “How much Benadryl will make her sleep for three days straight?”*
Son: I’m addicted to morphing
Dad: Oh God no, are you smoking it, injecting it?
Son: No Dad,not Morphine
Dad: what?
Son: *turns into bat
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
The letter C should make a “ch” sound. S and K got the rest covered. Waste of prime alphabet real estate and does nothing original without help from my man H.
This is what happens when an AP style journalist marries an English major and the English major edits the wedding website copy
What’s the fetish called when you can only get off if Gordon Ramsey is yelling at you that your risotto is garbage?
Like, obviously I’m against a baby fight club on a moral basis but in terms of humor it’s gold
Probability tells you that a toddler has a 50-50 chance of putting their shoes on the correct feet. Parenting tells you otherwise.
I told the barista my name was “Britney Spears” just for giggles and he handed me my coffee with “annoying white girl” written on it instead
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I always double-check our garage door is closed at night. I don’t want someone stealing all the stuff we’ve been trying to get rid of for years.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
[party]
What exactly does BYOB mean?“Bring your own beer”
Bill Nye the Science Guy slowly slides the bacteria sample back in his lab coat
Impress your date. Be wild. Flip the table. Flip it 360 so its upright again & nothing has moved except a roll that has flown into her mouth
The Blob: Bakery Beginning!
When I see a flash mob in public I immediately join in to make it seem like they didn’t practice enough.
nothing about reading dr seuss has convinced me that he’s actually a doctor
the food pyramid is a conspiracy by big triangle to sell more triangles
Humans are pretty civilized until a t-shirt is being thrown into a crowd.
I was riding my bike this morning and a guy yelled “Cow” at me. I turned and gave him the finger…and ran straight into the cow.
GUY VISITING FROM THE SUN: This weather isn’t hot
I set an alarm when I’m napping just to make sure I’m not late for my second nap.
If three ghosts visited me on Christmas Eve I’d call a priest, not buy everyone a turkey.