Gwyneth Paltrow should invent a candle that smells like a brand new can of Play-Doh
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forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
COMMENCE ANNIHILATI… Sorry, wrong notes, that’s tomorrow’s speech. Here’s the right one: You have nothing to fear from Project Omega …
Me: So my gf and I hit Bigfoot with my Ferrari and when we got out to check on it we were abducted by aliens who brought us to the lost city of Atlantis and imbued us with superpowers.
Them: Pfft. You don’t have a gf.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
Mum always told me to wear clean underwear in case I got run over by a bus. I can now tell you from experience that if you do get hit by a bus, your underwear won’t remain clean.
{Reaching adulthood}
ME: Oh, good, turns out no one knows what they’re doing.{2 minutes later}
ME: Oh, wait, seriously?? NO ONE KNOWS WHAT THEY’RE DOING??
Can’t speak for all women but generally I’ll just keep nagging until you agree with me, sometimes even after that. You know, for sport.
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Just as the prophecy foretold
“It’s cold!”, “Happy birthday!”, “I’m so blessed”, “Political rant!”… There, now you don’t have to go to Facebook today. You’re welcome.
My kids forgot the name of the game Marco Polo so they are currently playing Mario Luigi at the pool.
Tween and me: *arguing*
Husband: God, you two are just like each other.
Tween and me: WHAT’D YOU SAY?
Husband: *jumps out window*
Me: wanna play would you rather?
Her: sure
Me: ok would you rather have a cat or a giraffe named Genevieve who can help out around the house
[gutter rattles in the backyard]
Her: *narrows eyes*
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Someone just said “can you imagine what it must have been like to have been old enough to remember the royal wedding?!”
and i thought they were talking Charles and Diana.
but they meant Will and Kate ☠️
NUTRITIONIST: did you know that one beer equals 7 slices of bread?
ME: wow, what a time saver.
Establish dominance by eating brownies in front of your kids while they’re brushing their teeth.
Being a parent of multiple kids sometimes feels like being an unqualified judge in the most pointless trial you can imagine
14: ‘What’s an inheritance?’
Me: ‘Nothing you need to worry about, really.’
DORA: “Swiper, no swiping!”
SWIPER: “oh, man”
*Wealthier fox shows up, swipes everything*
DORA: “That’s OK, it’ll trickle down”
Twitter is a giant book club, for perverts with no attention span.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
Calling giving something up Lent makes perfect sense because most of the things I’ve lent over the years have never come back.
H: Let’s watch a really scary movie.
Me: Good idea.
[starts playing movie “Parenthood”]
Judge: You’re out of order!
Lawyer: This whole court room is out of order!
*I burst in*
Me: THE VENDING MACHINE IN THE LOBBY IS OUT OF ORDER
Daughter, who can clearly see me cleaning the toilet: “Mom do you like being a grownup?”
Ramadan month is exhausting. You have to wait all day to Instagram your food.