According to my email junk folder, I am a very successful Bitcoin trader.
You Might Also Like
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
there are rumors. that someone came down the chimney last night. this is preposterous. i would have lost my mind
My boyfriend has no mental illness and it’s the weirdest shit. You know what he does when he’s tired? Goes to bed. When he’s hungry? Eats a snack. When he’s drunk? Stops drinking. I don’t get it.
The last layer of skin finally grew back on the roof of my mouth from the Hot Pocket I ate in 1987.
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
Hello and welcome to our “help! my toddler won’t stop crying because I wouldn’t let her nap with a slice of cheese” support group, there’s free coffee in the back.
Nice try appliances that play music when the cycle is over. You’re not tricking me into enjoying housework.
“At least you’re going to get a lot of material out of this,” is comedian-speak for, “Sorry about your life, dude.”
Guys, we’ve lost the battle on “I could care less.” Let’s move forward, focus on “should of.”
I like to take a store-bought cake to a potluck and joke that I made it myself. As if people could actually make their own cakes!
It’s just too late in the day for me to investigate the overwhelmingly strong mustard smell in my kids’ bathroom.
Date: you know that was just a filter, right?
Me: *upset she’s not part puppy* it’s fine, I’m fine
I practice safe drinking by uninstalling the Amazon App from my phone before I start
9yo: (mouths off to me)
Me:
Hubs: You’re not doing anything? At least take his iPad away.
Me: Patience
(1 hour later)
9yo: Mom! My iPad’s dead, where’s the charger?
Me: What charger?
Hubs: Nice one.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
‘Mr lover lover mmmhm Mr lover lover, she call me Mr Boombastic, say me fantastic, touch me on the back, she say I’m Mr Ro.. mantic..’
Judge: *sigh* Again, please just state your first and last name for the court or you’re going to jail.
My husband accidentally locked himself out of the house, and I didn’t hear him knocking until I finished eating the rest of his cheesecake. So weird.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Brain: eat that entire pizza
Stomach: please don’t
Me: *eats pizza*
Stomach: i hurt so much
Me: i feel sick
Brain: eat that dessert
Me: okay
Stomach: oh my god
Shin bruises only take about 8 years to heal
get yer dragons here! get yer dragons… I have menthol and non-menthol, get yer dragons!!
Discovered that my wife can talk to me THROUGH THE SPEAKERS OF MY NEW CAR so I’m returning it.
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
Saw a billboard that said “if you can plan a wedding, you can plan for a natural disaster” and like, aren’t those the same thing?
opening a deli called “Work” a steakhouse caled “The Gym” adn a fried chicken place caled “A Funeral” for ppl who like to eat & need excuses
Watch Forrest Gump
*feel inspired
*toss orthotics out, go for jog
*1/2 block later, keel over and die next to shit happens bumper sticker
*too embarrassed to buy condoms**buys 3D printer**makes gun**robs condom factory*
Thursday
In a hotel room. The dog’s growling and whimpering. My wife’s worried the neighbours will think we’re having sex.