HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?
ME: i love love actually actually
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Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.
The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist
BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.
PLUTO: I’m on the list.
*Jurassic World walks in*
PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.
Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
Doctor: Are you on any antidepressants?
Me: You mean like nachos? Yes.
If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.
DR: Are you sexually active?
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no