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“May you have a long happy life together and never be killed by blunt force trauma caused by your spouse to collect insurance money.”

– Me, giving a wedding toast I did not properly prepare to give because I spent all my preparation time watching true crime shows


hi rappers i have been shaking dat ass all night and i am exhausted can you make a song about sitting and watching tv at a reasonable volume


Me: *pees on her leg*

Her: *screams*

Me: What?! You’re supposed to pee on someone when they sing!

Security: That’s for STINGS.

Me: *not allowed within 100 ft of Britney Spears anymore*


Real friends don’t put their babies on the phone to talk to you


Spouse ignoring your texts? Drop a nude and then immediately reply with, sorry wrong person. Works like a charm.


I’ve never been introduced before entering a room unless you count “Shh, here she comes!”


Daenerys Targaryen is basically one of those people that thinks they’re a parent because they have a dog.


HER: [walks in wearing lingerie] See anything you like?

ME: I don’t think that will fit me.


[first day of zoology class]

me: what fighting style do geese use?

professor: excuse me?

me: pandas use kung fu, what about geese

professor: i don’t think-

me: tae swan do


*DJ drops the beet*
ERRYBODY IN THE CLUB begins wondering why the DJ would bring a root vegetable to work with him.