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@panmidwest

HER: why do you hate every single Hugh Grant movie?

ME: i love love actually actually

@duplicitron

Hey lady I have bad news for you someone thought your hair was noodles and left their chopsticks in it.

@OfficeofSteve

The wife wants me to be a doctor in our sex role playing. So I guess I’ll make her wait an hour, then send her to a specialist

@Audenary

BOUNCER: Sorry, buddy – planets only.

PLUTO: I’m on the list.

BOUNCER: Nope.

*Jurassic World walks in*

PLUTO: Oh you cannot be serious.

@glenc217

Shockingly, the gyroscope is NOT a device used to locate Greek restaurants.

@QwertyJones3

Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.

Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!

@Mr_goose007

If I ever go missing, please put my photo on a Tequila bottle because nobody I know drinks milk.

@chimneyspotter

DR: Are you sexually active?
ME: Very
DR: Eating donuts alone in your car doesn’t count
ME: Still yes
DR: Neither do croissants
ME: Then no