jeff bezos can’t become a trillionaire if he gets eaten by a whale
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[Calls date]
[Muffled] I can’t make tonight
“Why?”
Cuz I..um.. [sound of me tumbling out of a dryer] OH THANK GOD
“What?”
NOTHIN. See u at 9
Seriously considering telling the CDC I have Ebola, so they’ll clean my house.
<enter password>
chicken
<password is weak>
chickensoup
<password is feeling a little better>
the best thing to throw at your spouse when you’re having a fight is a croissant cuz he’ll try to catch it in his mouth but it comes back to you like a boomerang & that’s just a delicious way to end a marriage . you’re welcome .
Could a murderer do THIS?
*lawyer points to defendant doing cool tap dance*
I remind the jury that only guilty feet have got no rhythm.
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell:
devil:
first guy in hell: is the awkwardness the torture or…
devil: shut up it’s gonna—it’ll pick up
Breaking: According to a study just released by the Vatican, 4 out of 5 nuns find sewing to be habit forming.
I’m not even sorry…
Never forget.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape of an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
girls literally only want one thing..
This crime scene tape strung between two lampposts is NOT the finish line & these policemen are NOT cheering me on to a glorious victory 🙁
satan: welcome slaves to your eternal damnation.
dad: can someone turn on the ac its as hot as hell in here.
satan:…
dad: sorry i dont want to get “fired” the first day on the job.
satan:…
dad: im going to super hell arent i.
satan: youre going to super hell.
Welcome to adulthood. The weekend is your only time to catch up on everything but also your only time to do absolutely nothing.
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
Cigarettes that help you quit chewing gum.
For fun, the next time you
have an attractive waitress-Order a “quickie”
then act surprised when she
tells you it’s pronounced “quiche”
The story of the Titanic speaks to me because I once tripped over a bag of ice at a party & then killed over 1,500 people.
Youth Pastor: do you know who also crashed a market?
ME: I think it’s time I get my life in order.
MORGAN FREEMAN: But he would not get his life in order. In fact, he got drunk that night and fought a raccoon.
[teaching son to brush his teeth]
Me: this is the part of your skeleton that everyone sees
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
Doctors who expect me to pee on command, I’m not some kind of stunt pee-er, you know.
Sucks how every girl I’m interested in is either taken or has good taste in men.
I painted a hot chick with big jugs
[ My unaired House hunters episode ]
Realtor: So what’s your budget?
Me: My budget?
Realtor: And why do you have a rifle carrying case with you?
Me: [zipping case closed and breaking down tripod] I think I misunderstood the title of the show.
I did a tarot card tweet once and it bombed. Guess I should’ve seen that coming.
[having a heart attack in a restaurant] Tell my wife… I had a salad
I’m so white when I eat sushi they just bring me a fork they don’t even ask
Nazi is a bit harsh…I’m more of a grammar Spanish Inquisition