My father gave me 3 pieces of advice
1. Don’t talk to strangers
2. Don’t do drugs
3. Don’t come into the garage when Deep Purple is blasting
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Bummed my show about teenage girls working for their high school newspaper didn’t get an Emmy nomination. Better luck next year, ‘Cuntrags’.
I realized I was maybe not the best listener when a friend had to come out to me twice.
Dog: can i eat this?
Me: no i was just-
Dog: [swallowing] thanks
Confuse your doctor by putting on rubber gloves while he does.
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it’s the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I’ve had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Me after learning something literally 5 min ago:
Everybody else who doesn’t know this thing is an idiot
Random kids playing in park. Their parents to each other.
[stepping out of my apartment for the first time at 7 pm after being alone in there all day and not saying a word to anyone]
neighbor: hey there
me: greetums
🎶 Never gonna get you out
Never gonna heat you up
Never gonna remember I wanted to eat you-me, putting leftovers away in the fridge
You take the good, you take the bad, you take them both and suddenly you’re accused of being a kleptomaniac
*Big Bad Wolf sees 3 little pigs planning to build houses of straw, lumber and brick
*buys stock in Home Depot
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
Some women are called sirens I’m more of an annoying doorbell
“After 30 years at my stepdad’s carpentry business I needed a change.”
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Eating cheese right off the block then realizing you’ve eaten too much so you eat a bunch of chips makes it like nachos, right?
Hey, fellas
My teen thought it’d be funny to unfriend me on Facebook. I laughed and laughed and changed the wi-fi password. Good times!
I refuse to care about a royal baby in England while the Burger King remains heirless. Does no one remember the horrors of the Burger Wars
Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s where you left your car.
The best thing about living with my parents is being woken up four minutes before my alarm to be told my alarm is about to go off.
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
ME: I need to pee really bad
TEACHER: can you hold it?
ME: probably not. my hands aren’t very good at retaining liquid
A game of cat and mouse, but it’s just me chasing random strangers when I see them with donut boxes.
If a cop yells at you to GET DOWN just start twerking cause damn, dude, be more specific
Tiger: *after killing several zoo animals* forget what you saw here…or you’re next
Gazelle: ok
Monkey: ok
Zebra: ok
Elephant: oh no
Don’t talk to me, I’m sober.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?