*throws coin in fountain*
stranger: can you not do that?
Me: just want my wish to come true
S: this is a drinking fountain
m: wish came true
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I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
Dad joke:
Q: How can you tell the difference between an oral and a rectal thermometer?
A: The taste.
Crows that are stuck together are called Vel-crows
When a cashier asks me if I found everything I was looking for, I take their hand, look deeply into their eyes and say, “I have now.”
Why would I want guest towels? That’s like an invitation.
I just want to hug this out. With my hands around your neck type of hug. What I mean is, I want to strangle you.
My boss is having a colonoscopy today.
I sure hope they find his head.
My dream job is a 7-11 hot dog just rolling there endlessly in a zen state of warmth
Tried to touch my husband’s face and he tattled on me to his mother.
When you’ve aged 15 years since 2020 and they still tell you that you’re cute
alien 1: what’s a typical human life cycle like?
alien 2: 5 years of ignorance, 13-18 years learning trivia, 40 years of labor, and 15 years waiting for death
alien 1: I meant biologically but wow that sounds terrible
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
Me: What sound do dogs make?
3-year-old: Woof woof.
Me: Horses?
3: Neigh.
Me: Pigs?
3: Sizzle sizzle.
Somebody understands bacon.
Son: I can’t wait to be older.
Me [frantically swatting away bees because my bald spot makes me look like a flower from behind]: yes it’s great
waiter: we don’t allow giraffes in here sir
me: I’m not a giraffe
waiter: I know I’m just telling you
*being chased down the stairs by a giant slinky* SPRING IS COMING
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
sometimes. i will yawn really big. and soon after. the human will also yawn. i have yet to decide. what to do with my powers
When we were dating my wife never once tried to take any of my hoodies. I have 3 teenage daughters and my hoodies are nowhere to be found.
I never saw it coming. Well played ladies.
I forgot why I was retracing my steps so I gave up and re-retraced them back to bed.
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
My husband pissed me off so I made him his favorite chocolate chip cookies and used black beans instead of chocolate
When my wife sends me to the kitchen to see if there are any cookies left and I report back that unfortunately, there are not.
My friend was bleeding, and the first aid book told me to apply pressure…
..So I told him if he didn’t stop bleeding right away, he’d die
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
My girlfriend says she wants a fairy tale wedding. Anyone know where I can get hold of a bear costume and 50lbs of porridge?
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
Held a newborn baby, was asked if I wanted one. Laughed & laughed all the way to the bar, where I can go because I don’t have a baby. So no.