me: i just quit cold turkey
turkey: *outside in the snow banging on window* please baby i can change
You Might Also Like
[walking on beach]
[find bottle with message in it]
Message: IS YOUR FRIDGE RUNNING?
[another bottle with message washes against my feet]
Q: What Do You Call Cheese That Isn’t Yours?
A: Nacho Cheese.
A revolving door is an IQ test you can fail in public.
My wife asked me what new hairstyle she should get, so I held my breath until I passed out.
STOP KILLING CHEETAHS TO MAKE CHEETOS
To those going to Miami tomorrow, please be sure to visit our fun fair setup at the Courthouse.
Photo booths, 23&me test kits, fingerprinting, make your own bracelets…
Be there, will be wild!
The real reason Darth Vader cut off Luke’s hand was because he touched the thermostat
Penguins walking in 5x speed
CINDERELLA: were you always my fairy godmother
FAIRY GODMOTHER: yes, always
CINDERELLA: so you watched my stepmother horribly mistreat me for years and did nothing
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER:
CINDERELLA:
FAIRY GODMOTHER: look what i can do to this pumpkin
Hair Dresser: You could get extensions to add length.
Me: You could stop cutting.
Not saying I say dumb things when
I’m nervous but I once asked a date “so what’s new in history?” When she told me she taught it to kids.
can u imagine being the first person to try coffee. just being like haha i’m shaking but like in a good way
To make sure I don’t cheat, my wife got me into cryptocurrency and that’s all I want to talk about with women now.
2021 is the perfect year to test out my new response to any awkward family Thanksgiving topics: “I don’t wanna talk about ______, I wanna talk about Taylor Swift..”
Them: I’ll see you in court!
Me: Never![in court]
Me: (enters in head-to-toe camouflage]
Her: my horoscope for today was awful. I wonder which planet is making me miserable?
Me: Earth 😐
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
9: What did that message on the TV say
Me: It said, the film has been modified to fit our screen
9: How do they know what size TV we have?
My ex is on Facebook saying how much he misses travelling, like he ever went further than the pub
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
Therapists only want one thing and frankly it’s discussing.
Me: got the Infinity Gauntlet from Thanos
Iron Man: snap and bring everyone back
Me: [turning things into puppies] hold on
DATE: So tell me about yourself
ME: My brain sturdy like large oak table
DATE: Ok
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
Sure, you can get your wife jewelry or an expensive purse or perfume for Christmas, but she will never forget the Christmas you got her a mop. Never.
According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
everyone on the saturday night live thing pronounced it sarynyelive
I don’t want a “stable and rewarding career”. I want to wear a CLOAK, live in the middle of the woods, and eat 12 times a day like a hobbit
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti