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Say what you want about serial killers but you can’t argue with their work ethic.


[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare


It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.


My boss just informed me its unprofessional to tell customers congratulations when they call in to change last name due to divorce.


Hand 2 toddlers a poisoned cookie and tell them not to eat it, then leave for a day. Some would call that stupid. The Bible calls it Genesis


Me: how old is your daughter?
Person: she’s 31 months
Me: ok but like how old in minutes?


I once lip locked the soft ice dispenser at Dairy Queen until the manager had to hit me with a mop. So I know a little bit about rejection.


*wakes up drenched in sweat*


Hubs cleaned out the garage without being asked so I’m looking back over the Ashley Madison list just in case I missed something.