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@AimeeHelene1

*walks up to microphone during wedding reception*
*taps on mic; everyone smiles*
“Anyone that doesn’t want their cake, pass it to me please”

@FuckabillyRex

I get hit with a lot of folding chairs for someone that’s not a professional wrestler.

@samdunsiger

Me: I’m worried about my kleptomania.
Doctor: Here, take this.

@psybermonkey

Friend: you can come to the party if you promise not to do that weird thing where you talk about salad dressing

Me: fine

[Later]

Me: hey would you guys rather own a ranch or a thousand islands

@junejuly12

Your 20s: stop eating bread for 1 day, lose 5 pounds

Your 40s: stop eating for 1 day, gain 5 pounds

@myles_morrison

Kids having the best time ever sound exactly the same as kids being axe-murdered.

@ShaneKnowsStuff

The girls I meet in bars have the worst pickup lines. They’re like, “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?” Never works on me ladies.

@ArfMeasures

GOD [creating humans] make them intelligent, sophisticated and rational

ANGEL: ok cool

GOD: but if they get told a plate is hot, they have to touch it lol