women wearing veils at their wedding arent fooling anybody. you invited us to this shit we know its you under there. cut the crap lady
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has anyone fixed the sound barrier yet
COMCAST: have you considered getting with the world’s number one selling broadband?
ME: [thinking he meant the Spice Girls] ..all the time.
Having an authentic Thanksgiving celebration this year. I’m giving my family smallpox.
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
I wonder if dogs have different names for themselves than the ones we give them, like “why tf he keep calling you Buster, David?”
There’s nothing quite like a family gathering to remind you of why they’re so infrequent.
Told my 4 yo that his hamster died and that was in heaven with God. 4yo: Why would God want a dead hamster?
Hubs accidentally picked up my coffee cup this morning, took a big gulp, and spewed it out across the table. What a waste of good Scotch.
Me [driving to Chipotle on a first date]: There’s this great little burrito place I discovered
I just got unfollowed by a woman that just started following me yesterday, so I guess I just had my first one night stand on twitter.
I won’t be satisfied until I have enough followers to form sects that fight about how to interpret My tweets until they kill each other.
*dances with wolves
*wolf asks to be my man
*I become bae o’ wolf
Friend: you should come over tonight. we’re watching ‘How to Train Your Dragon 2’
Me:
Friend:
Me: to what?
Friend:
Me: making cup noodle because it’s ready to eat in 3 minutes
Also me: waiting an hour for it to cool down.
Newsreader: “And now Tom with the weather.”
Weatherman: “It’s Tim, actually.”
Newsreader: “Sorry. And now Tom with the tim.”
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
Acting really is the only profession where you can put all your mistakes at work in a fun little blooper reel and people think it’s great. Wouldn’t fly for a plumber would it. Or an anaesthetist
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
I asked 10 how school was. “We did first aid training and now I’m qualified to kill someone then bring them back to life”. If you need me I’ll be hiding from my 10yo
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
You can’t please me, you’re not the long straight block in Tetris.
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
Removing my pants wasn’t what the server meant when she said to make myself comfortable while she got my drink. I understand that now, officer.
Me: Finally! A fridge with an automatic ice dispenser! This truly is the good life!
Also me: *reaches in to grab cubes with my hand EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.*
During lockdown, while many other artists are doing mini-concerts from their homes, I thought I’d do you all a favour and not.
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.
Adding pasta water to my cereal to make the milk stick.