Hostess: enjoy these complimentary after dinner mints
Mints: you have beautiful eyes
Me: [blushing] wow they’re very complimentary
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Waiter, Waiter, my date spilled her water.
No problem, I’ll get you another one.
Thanks, but make sure she likes football.
#WaiterJokes #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
If I like my job am I a “gruntled” employee??
Wife [interrogating]: How long have we been married dear?
Me: How dare you try and sneak maths into this.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
*during sex*
Him: come on baby tell me what you want me to do!
Me: ring for pizza, I’m bloody starving
Online shopping is a scam, I ordered my wife expensive jewelry but they sent new fishing gear
“If you can’t handle me at my diddliest, you don’t deserve me at my doodliest.” -Ned Flanders
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
[new snowman watching the snowfall]
Is this *gags* is this flesh?
No…no. Just leave your shirt here and let’s go look for Bigfoot.
~ whiskey
6 yo son: Who would win a fight between a hippo and a lion?
Me: I dunno, maybe the hippo because he’s big and can stomp?
6: Wrong, the lion has a knife.
when people say they’re into genealogy I pretend to be interested, but deep down I know magic lamps aren’t real
A good prank is to rent a Mercedes, stick a huge bow on it, and park it in front of your neighbor’s house
I’m gonna be so pissed if I die in the middle of an argument I’m about to win.
My family’s invaded my house for the weekend.
As a side note my dog’s been walked 18 times
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
“You are what you eat” I chant furiously, shoving another roach in my mouth. Mushroom clouds keep growing in the distance
What’s the biggest problem you have with your name?
My biggest problem?
Me: “Hi, I’m Marcus. Nice to meet you.”
Business people: “Hi, Marcus. Do you go by Mark?”
Me: “No. If I did then don’t you think I’d introduce myself as that?”
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
“Smell ya later”
-me, to my asparagus
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
God, grant me the serenity to yell at immigrant children, the courage to still say I’m a Christian, and the ignorance to not get the irony.
TWIN: so our parents split us up at birth, never told us about it, and pretended the other parent was dead?
OTHER TWIN: yes
TWIN: omg let’s get them back together it’ll be so cute
Fact: The human body is 59% water
Fact: Feta cheese is 59% water
Conclusion: The human body is feta cheese
The “research” scene in every horror movie
if i could be permanently ratatouilled i would. just relinquish all control. let the rat do it. im done
My husband put on a ratty old t shirt and asked me how it looked and I had to break it to him that it’d look better in the trash which apparently is marriage code for “it’s probably good for another five years at least.”