You Might Also Like

@fanofhell

Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people

@Parentpains

I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.

@CranalBeads

just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair

@Fred_Delicious

[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”

“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]

@sixfootcandy

Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!

@arcadeseals

me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her

wife: [stops fighting murderer] what

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.

@QueenofSparta

You like me?

*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.

*never hears from you again.

Right then. That’s sorted.

@ninatreemonkey

If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms