Doctor: what seems to be the problem?
Me: I need to be docted
Doctor: you came to the right place. I’m a doctor. I doct people
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I never knew my mechanic was a psychic until he loudly announced that I had blown a tranny in my car.
just when my neighbors think they know me, I sprint across their yard pushing a wheelbarrow full of hair
[Girlfriend looks at me in disgust]
“Did u just propose using emojis?”
“Technically its called a propoji, but yes”
[She’s already gone]
Me: I just killed a HUGE spider!
Him: It was actually a piece of yarn.
Me: A HUGE, scary piece of yarn!
me: [being murdered] tell my gf I love her
wife: [stops fighting murderer] what
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.
You like me?
*has a conversation with you where I’m completely me.
*never hears from you again.
Right then. That’s sorted.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
If I had two bathrooms I’d tell everyone someone died in one, I ain’t tryna clean two bathrooms