Starting to think North Korea just really hates the ocean.
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From the other room 4 just yelled, “Don’t worry, mom! I’m not doing anything,” and I think I have a pitch for the next blockbuster horror movie.
this is one of the funniest videos of all time
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
When I die, PLEASE don’t bury me in a fancy suit. That happened to a guy I knew and it turned him into a skeleton.
Pansexuals get it on in the kitchen
Queen: I have just born two twin boys. Which one will end up taking the throne?
Advisor: let me take their temperature
Queen: ?
Advisor: ah, this one is running a fever. He shall be king
Queen: how do you know?
Advisor: everyone knows warm heir rises
Why do I have so many emails?
I don’t mean mail, I mean addresses.
Wicked Witch of the West: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog, too!
me: *acting coy & twirling my hair* you think I’m pretty?
I don’t worry that I’ll turn into my mother because I’ve already turned into my grandmother.
Nurse: You can come inside now.
*Stands up*
*Dusts off jacket*
*Straightens bow tie*
*Fastens cufflinks*
*Ahem*
“That’s what she said”
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I just googled “Is there really cowbell in the actual song Don’t Fear the Reaper?” and my first response was, “Go outside and do something.”
Dear Mom and Dad: Camp is awful and I want to go home. They haven’t let us go swimming even once, and I hate the orange jumpsuits they make us wear. Also, the counselors are mean and my cabin mate says he’s going to shank me. Making license plates is fun, though. Love, John.
I got my husband to watch Game of Thrones with me by telling him “Just wait. There’s a good car chase comin’ up”
If twitter ends I guess I’ll just mail my tweets to Reader’s Digest like I used to.
Yoda, seeing himself in 4K:
HDMI
I tiptoe near my medicine cabinet bc I don’t want to wake my sleeping pills.
I have a five year plan to become more spontaneous.
Boss: You’re not fired but we’re taking away all your responsibilities.
Me: Cool, a promotion!
Boss: No–
Me: Sounds like a promotion to me.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Her: Can I sit down & join you?
Me: Be careful. I’m bad luck.
Her: Oh, no you’re not!
Me: (Sigh) You just sat on some gum…
I never thought you could get your hand stuck in a ukulele
But here we are
Journalists stuck in 1970’s Belfast absolutely hating it
We need a ride home.
“I called a Gruber”
Don’t you mean an Uber?
[villain from 1988 Die Hard arrives in black Prius]
“Why?” – Socrates and four year-olds
*pokes forehead*
Is this thing on ?
genie: you can’t wish for more wishes
me: okay, i wish for the best contract lawyer in the world
genie: okay weird but *poof* here’s alan
me: hey alan, find some loophole in this genie’s bylaws that gets me more wishes
alan: *to genie* this is the fifth time this month
Just ate an order of cheese fries and smoke started coming out of my Fitbit.
Carrots are a great thing to eat
when you’re hungry and
want to stay that way.#CarrotDay
Ive started investing in stocks… Mainly beef, chicken and vegetables. One day I hope to be a bouillonaire.