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me: [yelling at houseplant] I AM NOT AN ALCOHOLIC
wife: I’m over here


I was having a perfectly lovely Wednesday until someone told me it’s Monday.


“Speak softly and carry a big stick.” — Teddy Roosevelt

“Yell loudly and talk about the size of your stick.” — Donald Trump


Some guy just passed toilet paper under the stall without me even asking. I’m not sure if he is a pervert or a wizard.


*Makes joke on Twitter*


*Makes same joke on Facebook*

*5 comments from aunts saying that the joke was inappropriate*


My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes


I have a bad habit of starting things and never finishing them.

Let’s all be thankful I’m not a surgeon.


*during an argument

**command Z, command Z

Well damn, that didn’t work


Room service: Would you like your glass of wine before din…Me:(interrupting) YES.