credit card company: you can insert your chip to pay, but sometimes it won’t work
me: hm ok. any other options?
company: you can swipe it, of course. doesn’t always work tho
me: uhh
company: try simply tapping your card
me: but does it-
company: this has NEVER worked
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Me: hands up, this is a robbery?
7-11 cashier:
Therapist: what did we talk about
Me: (firmly) this is a robbery.
When they say “all expenses paid” does that include bail?
You may not like the word “moist” but the alternative is “endampened” and I’ll not have endampened cake.
You can totally cheat during board games with your kids if after 30 minutes, there is no end in sight. I’m looking at you Chutes and Ladders!
*brings whipped cream to bed*
Husband: Ohh, are we trying something new?
Me: Will you hold this pumpkin pie while I get comfortable?
My personal trainer said I should have a protein shake every night at 11pm.
That’s whey past my bedtime.
Ghosting is such a fun word for something so sad
Like put away your big white sheets and throw away your casper dvds gang we’re going to play with abandonment issues
A GPS. But for where your story is going.
I don’t trust a restaurant that advertises “Now with more bacon!” because it means they were holding out on me to begin with.
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
selena gomez
absolutely no one knows the words of “who let the dogs out” apart from the “who let the dogs out” bit
Me, as a parent, ordering at the drive through after a family road trip: Hi. I’ll take 2 Happy Meals, a medium fry and a vasectomy please.
Ladies, if a man’s nice to you, it doesn’t mean he wants to sleep with you. It simply means he wants to marry you and raise ponies with you.
SURGEON: I’m afraid that your Grandma is very critical
ME: Oh no
SURGEON: She *starts to tear up* she said I have a stupid haircut
I’m giving my pregnant sister some helpful tips like how to help me lift this couch with her knees and not her back.
[boys at work talking sports]
Them: what’s your favorite sport
Me: yeah
[on Shark Tank]
Me: It’s a combat tank operated by sharks
Investor: Finally someone gets it
I believe there are people on this planet who were born to get in everyone’s way at the grocery store.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Saw online –
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
my wife saw onlyfans on our credit card statement so now I have to get her a ceiling fan for christmas
I asked what I could bring for Thanksgiving this year and my mom said it was up to me so I’m bringing a wireless router.
I don’t care if it’s red balloons, problems, or bottles of beer on the wall.
If you’ve got 99 of anything, I’m scheduling an intervention
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
If you hold a baby up to a light and don’t see the security strip it’s a fake baby
When someone tries to shush me by handing me a donut, I feel so conflicted.
Me: I think some people are just birds in disguise
Friend: Haha, can I tweet that?
Me: *narrows eyes* Can you what