I hate flexing on twitter but I just finessed a crockpot and a ouija board from my neighbor’s garage sale for only $10 if anyone wants to come over and summon evil spirits while I slow cook vegetable stew for us
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The Struggle
Me: When do you install the lasers?
Lasik Surgeon: Ma’am that is not how lasik eye surgery works…
Me: So do they just shoot out my pupils, or…?
“Does my uniform make me look fat?” -Insecurity guard
me: you won’t get on the ledge. you’re an egg bro, get real
humpty dumpty: watch me
[several minutes later]
me approaching the king, tears in my eyes: it’s my fault. it’s all my fault
I don’t trust my arms or legs like I trust my hips
my hips don’t lie but but the rest of my body parts are bullshiters
Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about. Attack while they’re distracted.
Just once in movies when someone gently shuts a dead person’s eyes I want them to whisper “Ew, ew, ew, ew.” while doing it.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
You didn’t let me know you got home safely so you better at least be injured or I’m gonna be pissed.
me (hungover):
Why do I have a photo of me with a fire hydrant?wife:
Because last night you wanted a picture with R2D2.
If you want sparkling, sophisticated conversation, catch me early in the month, before I’ve used up my ten free New York Times articles.
My Quarantine Routine:
8:30 get woken up by dogs
8:40 let dogs out
8:52 let dogs in
11:51 let dogs out
12:20 let dogs in
4:47 let dogs out
4:59 let dogs in
7:14 let dogs out
7:38 let dogs in
8:16 let dogs out
8:18 let dogs in
10:20 let dogs out
10:25 let dogs in
[narrating a commercial for therapy]
“For a 100 bucks an hour we’ll blame your mother.”
My son asked me where poo came from. I was a little uncomfortable but gave him an honest answer. He looked perplexed and stared at me for a minute then asked….and tigger???
I hate the people who cause division in society. It’s not because I’m a liberal, I just hate maths!
Laziness is a dish best served delivered.
80% of being Donald Trump is just worrying that the wind will blow your weird combover in the wrong direction.
Let me tell you something about how smart kids are these days. Child took my phone and aimed it at my face real quick so it unlocked then jumped on my SpongeBob game before I realized what was going on. That’s sleuth shit.
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
I just battle rapped my 4 year-old and rhymed “take a nap” with “piece of crap” so don’t tell me about your parenting skills.
The American flag should be a picture of a cheeseburger watching TV on a couch made of fries.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
Hate when I lay out too close to the shoreline and the other beach goers team up to try to push me back in the water.
SINCERE STUPID QUESTION:
was peter parker funny and quippy like he is when fighting as spider-man BEFORE he got his powers also, or did he get some kind of enhanced spider-sense of humor?
ARE SPIDERS VERY FUNNY NATURALLY?
I don’t like doing the same things again so much that I can never be a serial killer.
Dead
Alive
Other✔
*covers puddle with a jacket so a lady won’t get her shoes wet*
LADY: MY JACKET!!!
What do hostages eat? #ThingsYouDontAskAlexa
ESPN just did a Top 5 Greatest Comebacks of All Time and there was some guy running with a ball but like literally no mention of Jesus