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I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.


[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?


[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance


See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.


I’d respect squirrels more if every time one dashed in front of my car, there were five squirrels on the other side of the road holding up signs scoring the difficulty level.


Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?

Farmer: Sure

Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all



Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch


[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS


Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.