[safely surrounded by a thousand miles of land]
Me: (whispering) more like shark weak
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Nine out of ten dentist recommend you renew your car warranty or your girl won’t do that thing you like!!!
DOCTOR: a new study says the meds ur on cause hallucinations
ME: oh
LARGE MENACING CACTUS THAT FOLLOWS ME EVERYWHERE: was it peer reviewed?
amazon: our prime deliveries may be delayed due to covid-19
me: thats okay *hits accept*
amazon [seconds later]: *package smashes through living room window*
My immune system was built by my grandmas and aunts licking their thumbs to wipe food off my face.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
the pigeons are already plenty salty
me: i’d sell my soul for clear skin.
dermatologist: drink more water.
me: [glaring] i SAID i’d sell my SOUL for clear skin
If you like piña coladas,
Getting caught in the rain,
If you’re not into health food,
If you’re into champagne,
You’re probably an alcoholic
Remember, you can disappear into the woods whenever you want. You’re an adult.
pretty sure no other member of my family knows we own a dishwasher
I was the beast man at my sister’s wedding, and there isn’t a day goes by that I don’t wish that that was a typo.
“It’s a bird!”
[Superman zooms down to inches away from the screaming guy’s face]
S: Birds can’t go that fast Sean. What are you an idiot
had the person who invented the bicycle seat never actually experienced sitting down before
I weigh at least 17 squirrels
My first trip to a beach as a child, I spent the entire time running away from hordes of crabs chasing me with gigantic claws. Unrelated, I’m now a big fan of crab cakes.
If you pass out in front of your kids they will either try to call an ambulance or use you as a trampoline. You just don’t know.
I hate it when people humble brag about where they went to college. I have this friend who went to Harvard and she just won’t shut up about it. She’s always been like that, even when we were in college together.
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
[wife gets in the car after talking with the priest]
“What did the priest have to say?”
“He said you have to stop rapping over the choir.”
“You know what? I’ll just wait for the next Uber. Thanks.”
[1st day as bank robber]
leader: i told you to put tape over their mouths
me: [still struggling to find end of the tape] just gimme a second
Those who cannot remember the past are condemned to do something, I forget what, but it’s something inconvenient.
I yell at couples buying houses like normal people yell at sports on tv
I was disappointed to find out a sexagenarian is someone in their 60s and not a career option.
I put my pants on just the same as everyone else…
With one hand, so I don’t have to sit my phone down.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
Ok, I’m finally off dairy. Next is sugar, then heroin.
Who him? Oh that’s just jimmy, I pay him to follow me around and inter-
*saxophone solo*
INTERRUPT MY SENTENCES WITH SAXOPHONE SOLOS.
Stomach: I am starving. Feed me immediately.
Me: I’m at work, man, can’t right now.
(one hour later)
Me: Cool I’m finally on break, let’s eat.
Stomach: Gross