I don’t think people understand the potential ramifications when they say to me “just be yourself”.
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What can I do to pass the time?
[at the doctors]
me: *opens wide and goes ahh*
proctologist: how the hell r u doing that?
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
See those guys? They apply ordinary grammatical structure and natural flow of speech, rather than rhythmic structure. They’re real prose.
I’d respect squirrels more if every time one dashed in front of my car, there were five squirrels on the other side of the road holding up signs scoring the difficulty level.
Chicken: Hey look, another egg! Will you look after it for me, like the others?
Chicken: How many chicks do I have now?! Can’t wait to meet them all
Welcome To Earth. You’re not supposed to rub your eyes when they itch even though nothing feels better than rubbing your eyes when they itch
[looking at our kids baby photos]
me: ugh, this one came out real bad
wife: oh yeh, just get rid of it
me: ok. *shouting* TIMMY! PACK YOUR BAGS
Some generations will never know having to drive by someone’s house to see if they’re home.