Son: Your makeup looks weird
Me: I’m not wearing any
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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[at the gym]
Trainer: “Why don’t you tell me what your workout goals are.”
Me: “Goals? I’m just here so I don’t eat for an hour.”
[50 YEARS FROM NOW]
Husband: *standing at my grave* I want you to know that after all these years I still can’t find where you put the ketchup in the fridge.
Interviewer: So when did you decide you wanted to be a sumo wrestler?
Me: When someone tried to get me onto the dancefloor at a wedding.
Cinderella is my favorite story about women who fight over a man who doesn’t even remember what a woman he spent the night with looks like.
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Virgo: Sometimes you eat the bear and sometimes the bear eats you. Good luck on your next hike.
Interviewer- Marlene, what inspired you to pursue a life of comedy?
Marlene- Well, I’m glad you asked…
*Mouth directly on mic*
i have two moods:
?sleep is for the weak
?sleeping for a week
Cat owner : wow my pet cat really likes you
Me: yeah well that’s just because I have at least 2 sardines in my left pocket at any given time