Opponent: *crushes it*
Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*
12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?
Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.
Her: I’m a vegan
Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too
Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!
Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *
Me: MY RECIBEATS!
16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”
*plays The Smiths
Me: Uncontrollable weeping
Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!
*continue walking at exactly the same pace
When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.
There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.