@putyoursisterd1

12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

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@briancthayer

[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*

@david8hughes

[date]
Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?

@dshack8

Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.

@T_Bonezzz_

[FIRST DATE]

Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too

@ambamthankyamam

Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!

@d_duhwit

Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *
Me: MY RECIBEATS!

@bartandsoul

16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping

@FatherWithTwins

*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace

@Brianhopecomedy

When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.

@AliciaATobin

There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.