12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.
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Pregnant wife: Are you going to be a good big sister?
3-year-old: Babies are jerks.
James Woods is suing someone for $10,000,000 because they said he’s a coke addict. When asked why so much, Woods replied “Coke’s expensive.”
Those three magical words:
“Where’s the plunger?”
Ever see a plane flying toward the moon & it looks like it’s gonna hit it & then it does & the oceans boil & wolves take over?
I refuse to eat pound cake or go to yard sales. It’s metric system or gtfo.
😩😩😩
If your conservative parents piss you off over the holidays, come out to them. You don’t even have to be gay, it’s just a fun thing to do.
Mario: you’re a dinosaur.
Yoshi: ok.
Mario: you can jump really high.
Yoshi: nice.
Mario: you eat things with your long tongue.
Yoshi: makes sense.
Mario: i’m gonna ride you off a cliff.
Yoshi: wait-what?
Mario: don’t worry i’ll jump off before I get hurt.
Love this one 😂🧟
A Christmas Carol but Scrooge has enough money to hire the Ghostbusters.
My boss encouraged us to think about why we come to work every day.
I don’t think “I need money to live” was the answer she was looking for.
*young woman walks by
Wife: Wow, she looks really good, don’t you think?
Me: NO WAY, I’M NOT GOING TO FALL FOR THAT
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
Welcome to your 40s: everyone can hear you when you stand up now.
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
My boss: Do you have Twitter?
Me: Spell it for me, I’ll search my apps.
Ask yourself, is she really crazy? Or is she just trying to get out of the next family event?
Im not dating any guy with hair longer than mine. I refuse to compete for pretty hair.
i think my razor is having a panic attack
I’m so out of touch with pop culture. My 5-year-old asked if DJ Marshmello was an actual marshmallow and I had to google it.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines
My Mom taught me to treat others the way I want to be treated so I always walk up to strangers and spray canned cheese in their mouth.
All I’m saying is, there are too many songs about love and not enough songs about evenly layered nachos.
My kid talks a lot of shit for someone who still has to sometimes call for help because he fell into the toilet while pooping.
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
My kid, sick at school: *lethargic, deathlike pallor, has to be carried*
My kid, sick at home: *eats five meals before lunch time, jumping up and down on bed, wants to go on a hike*
Her: you ever done hot yoga?
*remembering getting stuck in a lawn chair last summer trying to reach my car keys*
Pretty sure
dating a tall girl is cool until you make her mad at a picnic and she steps to the other side of the river
Raising kids means saving them from drowning, choking and other forms of certain death so one day they can look at you with a straight face and ask, “Why don’t you just let me live my life?!”