12th Law of Nature: If an adult attempts to nap during the day, an equal and opposite adult will turn on a lawn mower.

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[rap battle]

Opponent: *crushes it*

Me: Oh, I… umm. I thought this was something else… *hastily hides plastic wrap behind back*


Me: you wanna see what desserts they have?
Girl: how about we go home & I’ll let you-
Me [calls waiter]: what desserts do u have?


Calm down mechanic guy. Just here for an oil change. If I wanted to know about all the other shit wrong with my car I’d turn the radio down.



Her: I’m a vegan

Me: [*trying to impress her] People hate me too


Hey people that twitter says are “similar to me”, where do people like us put our car keys?!?!?!


Wife: No one’s ever gunna buy your hip hop cooking album. Get a job! *sweeps my papers off the kitchen counter *


16yo daughter; “I love listening to the oldies!”

*plays The Smiths

Me: Uncontrollable weeping


*kids walking

Me: Come on, boys! We have to hurry!

Kids: Okay!

*continue walking at exactly the same pace


When someone rings the doorbell I say to my kids, “I think it’s Santa Claus!” so I don’t have to get up.


There should be a YouTube compilation of the expressions on women’s faces when they discover a dress they are trying on also has pockets.