12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
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[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
Grow up never but we old may grow we
bacon might clog my arteries but it lubricates my soul
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
{emergency evacuation}
Police:For the last time you need to leave your house now!
Me:*frantically packing my Golden Girls DVD box set* ok ok
*comes home from work. House is clean, laundry done, dinner on the table*
Me: Hey babe…who did this?
Husband *levitating*: There is no babe…only Zuul
Me: How much does Zuul cost per week?
Wow. Just found out that in England they’re called “Alvin and the Crispmunks”.
Ordered Amazon Delivery and selected “replace item” with the closest thing they can find if they run out of stock…
We ordered tampons.
And they sent the closest appropriate thing.
Which right now, is a bag of 50 frozen sausage rolls.
I’m a dad so I love talking about meat rubs but I’m also a 14yo so I giggle inside when I do.
Wife: What did I ask you to do?
Me: Love you forever?
W:
M: Kill a man to defend you honor?
W: EMPTY THE DISHWASER
I was getting there.
skydiving instructor: were not letting you jump out of this plane without a parachute
me: *wearing a hat with a little propeller on top* just trust me
If any of you toddler parents need some encouragement to keep pushing through those toddler years – I just slept in until 11 am on a Sunday.
me: you’re killing it
my murderer: that’s so nice of you to say
People are great at finding evidence that supports their beliefs while dismissing any evidence that contradicts them.
Interviewer: what would you say is your greatest weakness?
Me: probably that I’m easily intimidated by others
I: and your greatest strength?
Me: lulling others into a false sense of superiority
me: ok, we’re all tired, let’s go to bed
5yo: what did you do to be tired?
me: *eye twitches*
Will Smith isn’t special. I’m not invited to the Oscars for the next ten years either.
Lice is the herpes of kindergarten.
Well maybe don’t invite me over if I can’t rearrange your furniture.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My Face ID only recognizes me if I’m chewing now.
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Previously On Persistence 😎
Child: If I was drowning at the same time as our dog, who would you rescue first?
Me:
Child:
Me:
Child:
Me: You, of course.
Child: That took you way too long to answer.
The game? A foot.
The door? A jar.
The Fred? A stair.
me [drunk| *eats all the Cheetos*
also me [drunk] Who ate all the Cheetos?
“so she’s gay now?”
yeah she turned in all the paperwork last week and her acceptance letter came this morning, it was all pretty sudden