@Smooheed

12

The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

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@NOTVIKING

[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty

@AmericanGent69

Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?

@INeed_AnAdult

It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.

@PinkCamoTO

6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.

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@briangaar

Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants

@bazecraze

Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.

@jnrbtsn

I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.

@ChaseMit

If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator

@jwoodham

Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.