The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house

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[last day as head juror]

judge: how do you find the defendant

me: guilty

judge: and the full sentence?

me: oh sorry. we find the defendant guilty


Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?


It’s kinda like i’m a shopaholic but with alcohol instead of clothes.


6: What’s a hangover?

Me: The interest repayment on fun.




Donald Trump is basically the villain in every anime so I assume he’ll be defeated by a 13-year-old boy in short pants


Donald Trump was born when someone put a pinkie ring in a bag of Cheetos and left it in a lightning storm.


I’m far too cute to only have one ex-husband.


If an Elvis impersonator dies, doesn’t he kind of become the best Elvis impersonator


Most people don’t know this, but the North only won the Civil War because the South got half an inch of snow and they lost their damn minds.