This laundry pile is so big that I might just put a little flag on top.
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I donate blood 5 times a year just so I’m less and less related to some of my relatives.
Her: try curing your hangover with the hair of the dog
Him: the what?
Dog: YEAH SUSAN THE WHAT???
my son just told me that i have a “fixed mindset” and he has a “growth mindset” so he’s banned from youtube until i can figure out what is going on
3-year-old: Daddy, I love you *hugs me*
Me: I love y- Did you wipe your mouth on my shirt?
Most of fatherhood is just being a good napkin.
Do you believe in life after love?
-Me as a Cher-apist
so people are okay with batman wearing a cape but when i do it i “need to put my hospital gown on the right way”
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
Boss: Are you high?
[Me watching him evaporate] I hope so.
Him: Let’s make another baby
Her: WTAF??
Him: Yes
Felt great to be hit on by a kid in his 20’s on my bday until my sister told me I could be his mother.
I’m not your typical teenage girl. I’m 35 years old.
DETROIT: im doing a secret show at 8pm tonigt at a small club dowmtown! mesage me for details!!!
ME: omg a talkimg city
The chances of you being killed by a chinchilla are low, but never zero
They say milk is good for your teeth..you know what else is good for your teeth..minding your own damn buisness
Me: what are we doing today
Trainer: let work on your forearms.
Me: but I only have 2
T: What?!?
Me: *whispers* I only have 2?
Wait – my gym moved?
In 1997?
anyone: here let me pay you for that thing you did for me
me: NO ABSOLUTELY NOT I FORBID IT. HONESTLY IT WAS MY PLEASURE. SO HAPPY TO HELP
also me: why don’t I ever have any money :,(((
Parents who say “I’m not going to say it again” always say it again.
My dad did not let me watch Dexter’s Labratory because he said it was unrealistic. “A lab that size would absolutely devastate the foundation of the house” he would say.
me: u know how we want clothes on our roof but can’t reach
wife: we have never discuss-
me: *loading t-shirt canon* stand back
My husband and I have dedicated to potty training our 3-year-old this weekend because apparently we haven’t challenged our marriage enough lately.
Milk Cube
living in a van down by the river isn’t an insult anymore. It’s a YouTube sensation.
I’m so poor I can only afford Middle Ramen.
i got sudden, inexplicable ear pain. my friend woke up with sudden, inexplicable eye pain. if any of you start having sudden, inexplicable mouth pain, lmk. i think we are supposed to be sold as a box set.
🙉🙈🙊
a pizza is basicaly a real-time pie chart of how much pizza i am going to eat
By the power vested in me by this case of beer, I now pronounce these three loads of laundry as one.
“The Perfect Relationship”
This is my emotional support chloroform rag