waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?
me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider
12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
You Might Also Like
Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.
When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.
Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.
An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.
finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird
Past is the past, it’s all gravy under the bridge.
It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.
Bam! Problem solved
With inflation, it would be Mambo No. 6.59 in 2013