@C00LpenNAME

12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!

12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider

12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude

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@realbjdunne

[restaurant]

waiter: can i bring you a drink menu?

me: *looking angrily at my wife Menu* how does this guy know you

@gorrdano

Thanks, I wrote the tweet. There’s no need to reiterate it back to me with quotation marks.

@Blarebare

When I die I want my skeleton turned into a xylophone. Just like the good ol’ days.

@AIanHangover

Feeling stressed out?
Make a nice cup of hot tea and then spill it in the lap of whoever’s bugging you.

@MacDickson18

An ambulance just went down my road. Within seconds I went running outside to see where it stopped. I have become my parents.

@TheHyyyype

finally caved and watched tiger king. shit is bananas. the uncle killed the dad while the kid watched, then the kid ran away and hung out with a warthog and a meerkat for years? then he hallucinated his dad talking to him from the sky? weird

@Staggfilms

It’s so unfair in life you meet the adult equivalents of the bad kids from Charlie & the Chocolate Factory and you’re not allowed to murder them in various ironic ways.