12yo: My friend has 2 tiktok accounts.
Me: One is for her mom to follow and the other is for her friends to follow.
12yo: Kids do that?
Me:
12yo:
Me: No.
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Keep your friends close and your enemies wrapped in plastic ready for that long drive to the desert.
kid: 5 more minutes
dad goat: no it’s pasture bedtime
My top 5 yoga positions
5 Napping Warrior
4 Downward Spiral
3 Crying Plank
2 Farting Tree
1 Drunk Hasselhoff
“Kids, part of my comprehensive zombie apocalypse plan are these Tshirts to keep up with each other”
“Daddy, why do ours say appetizer?”
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
Everyone thinks it’s so funny if my 2yr old rips her dress off at a bday party but if I do it then it’s “inappropriate” & “we need to talk.”
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.
X-rays are dangerous, they were probably less harmful when they were just rays, but after the breakup…
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
Doctor: I’m sorry but you’re not healthy enough for sex
Me: Hey man I have not been your patient for 3 years can you please stop calling me
Customer: did you know that when octopuses get mad they throw things at one another?
Me, slowly suspecting my ex might have been an octopus: you don’t say…
Nike actually called me and asked me to stop doing it.
*walks into interview*
Thanks for coming in today. I’m Mr. Maballsonya, but please call me Phil.
*walks out of interview*
When I was a teenager, nobody told me about incense. So every time I smoked pot, I covered up the smell by cooking a whole meatloaf.
The great thing about being a man who is entirely secure in his identity is that I always have enough pockets to carry spare kittens.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
me: fancy a movie?
them: what do you have in mind?
me: “500 Days of Summer” maybe?
them: what’s it about?
me: August 2020
I named my WiFi after my last girlfriend because it’s never fully connected with me. And also because I caught my neighbour using it.
[courtroom]
me: [under my breath] ᴵ ᵈᵒⁿ’ᵗ ᵈᵉˢᵉʳᵛᵉ ʲᵃⁱˡ ᵗⁱᵐᵉ
judge: pardon?
me: omg thank you
Me: So, what are your thoughts?
Therapist: Well, I think you may have some boundary issues.
Me: [In his lap] Are you saying I’m fat?!
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
“What attracted you to our company?”
Well, I heard you pay money in exchange for work
you ok? you’ve barely touched your crocissant
I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
Are you okay?
Yes
Did you take your cold medicine?
Umm yes
Why are you so nervous?
I never thought throw pillows would ask so many questions
I tried to cook beef Wellington. It was just beef Okayington
I accidentally knocked my client’s glasses off his face, so I gasped and said “Superman?!” but he didn’t laugh