@steveolivas

12yo son forgot his electric toothbrush — so now he has to MOVE HIS ARM to brush his teeth.

His protest was legendary.

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@PS_IRuddYou

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

@ChiChiGreenblat

I bought a pair of underwear today.

In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.

In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.

@WetzelGeek

Woke up this morning with a pillow over my face, hearing someone muttering “…it would be so easy…”

@JohnBoyStyle

Knock, knock

Who’s there?

Wu

Wu who?

I wouldn’t get too excited sir, I’m here to impound your car.

@BriarSly

Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.

If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.

@mrtruthandsoul

Twitter is the government’s elaborate plan to keep us all off the streets

@ABostonTwit

Walk into the club like whatup OWW
Walk into the mace like what DAMN
Walk into the sword like wha *dies*
*flunks gladiator school*

@TheAlexNevil

*cold day in hell

Satan: Dammit! Did some band get back together?