13: Can I have the password for Amazon?
Me: Certainly, honey. Ready?
13: Yep
Me: I-N-Y-O-U-R-D-R-E-A-M-S
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[hears a voice in the sky]
– Is it you? GOD?!
[kneels]
Voice: Could the idiot on platform 4 stop kneeling every time I make an announcement?
If evolution is real then why aren’t hammerhead sharks nail gun head sharks yet?
[frantically pressing buttons on spaceship control panel] WHICH ONE IS FOR POPCORN
“Just dashing to the shops”
Woman [showers, washes hair, styles hair, puts on make up, chooses outfit, irons clothes]
Man [grabs car keys]
When people tell me I have the body of a 25 yr old, I’m unsure if it’s a compliment, or they finally unearthed the oil drums in my backyard.
Sometimes, late at night, I’ll look up at the stars and wonder if you’re also stealing lawn furniture.
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
Listening to classical music while in the bath makes me feel like a mobster.
A mobster who will die in some spectacular fashion.
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
If only I had the stomach of the person I am when I lie down.
I like to make things awkward at family gatherings by walking up behind each person and whispering ‘I know what you did last Christmas’
[etching on stone tablets] oh and another thing
Me: Of all my kids, you’re my favorite
12: I’m your only kid
Me: Well that attitude won’t keep you in the top spot for long
Oscillating fans are for people that want to be cool every 5-7 seconds.
never saying ‘i love you’ first ever again
Cw: What are you having for lunch?
Me: Unwelcome company it seems.
DR DOG: Please remove your shoes & step on the scale
PATIENT: Ok
DR DOG: I’ll be right back *carries the shoes out of the room in his mouth*
the composer
Me: *eating a Mars bar*
Martian: Good grief where will I obtain alcohol now
There’s been a whole lot of office Romance since I became self employed…
The Onion went on a tear in the last 12 hours and then this happened
Bro what is this
[alien wobbles out of spacecraft]
“Take me to your leader”
[30 minutes later]
Me: So, this is my wife…
DO NOT show up to my place unannounced, I will literally stare at you from the window until nightfall, I don’t give a shit.
“You gotta keep ‘em separated” – The Offspring doing their laundry
when the next drug dog retires can I have it cause I straight up do not remember where I put this bag
Shit. My daughter just told me that the handwriting on the Tooth Fairy’s I.O.U. looks the same as mine.
Her: It would really mean a lot to my mother if you came
Me *pulling out*: I know she wants grandkids but we’re not ready
[talking to my son]
Please call me Steve, father was my father’s name