13: Dad, do you believe in miracles?
Me: Do you remember spray painting my car?
13: yeah
M: Are you breathing?
13: yeah
M: Well, there ya go
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In sign language, the story of my life can be told through a series of facepalms.
“Goodbye, cruel world.” I say while taking one too many Flinstone vitamins
Me: okay, hit me
Blackjack dealer: *deals me a card*
Me: LIKE YOU MEAN IT
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
I’m really not that tall. I’m just sitting on my wallet.
– me flirting
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
This January has 47 Mondays
When you’re on a diet everything smells like cookies. Except the guy beside me on the city bus. He smells like sardines
Delicious sardines
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
15: ‘I think the Wi-Fi is out again.’
Me: ‘Hey – what a great opportunity to go outside and enjoy some fresh-‘
15: ‘It’s back.’
Me: ‘Good talk.’
computer: enter new password
me: munster
computer: password must be stronger
me: limburger
computer: stronger
me: Jake Paul
computer: stronger
me: AxeBodySpray
computer: password is too strong
Them: The meek shall inherit the earth
the meek: *looks around* umm, I’m good
Me: You should cut your toenails.
Wife: Huh?
M: You’re scratching my leg.
W: I’m WAY on the other side of the bed!
M: That’s kinda my point.
The most confusing thing about living with a girl is how much hair they shed. How does her hair look so good? How isnt she bald?
I really wish I had the power to put on a crown of pipette tips and command my cultures to do what I wanted them to do 👑
Forget Botox… if you really want to look younger, get braces.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
I heard time is money, so I quit my job. Now I have lots of time!
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
Lord give me the strength to stop buying a sausage roll every single time I pass somewhere that sells sausage rolls.
Strangers get so paranoid when they catch you stirring a mysterious powder into their drink.
3 is yelling at baby for rolling off her mat and she’s responding by screaming at him and I’m so glad I followed everyone’s advice and had a second kid so they could entertain each other.
My phone says “missed calls”. Which is an odd description for something I watched happen.
I’m a lot like a wild Pokémon in the bedroom. I only know four moves and I come out of nowhere.
Do I need to look nice or can I go as the sewer rat that I am?
– How I ask what the dress code is.
When I was younger I used to learn a new word and then find ways to awkwardly shoehorn it into conversation. Talk about a classic bildungsroman.
Husband: Now that our younger son is 6 and our older one doesn’t turn 10 for a few months, you know what that means
Me: No, what?
H: It’s the summer of 6 and 9
Me: get out
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
e=mc2 was just Einstein comparing himself to other rappers