Insane how Jesus was born on Christmas and resurrected on Easter??? Like what are the odds
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Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
It turns out the only way to get my kids to flush the toilet is for me to be showering when they use it.
Friend: Man he drinks like a fish.
Me: [crouched in a tiny pirate castle with a 12 pack] I’m freaking the hell out.
Swiss cheese was invented when some cheesemakers were shooting the bries.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
I don’t understand why you’re all so down on marriage. You get a 50% chance of unplugging someone’s life support. That’s the real American dream.
If you like talking to yourself, then feel free to dm me.
Me: *my toddler might eat this healthy food if he can dip it in ketchup*
Toddler: *eats the ketchup by itself*
*puts salt and pepper in shopping cart, pushes real good
Relationship status – table for one but drinks for two
It’s me against the world! That’s how gravity works
Food puns are my love language
…what, they make me corny.
“Will he ever wake up?”
He’s been in a coma for 3 weeks but watch this. *starts playing Pitbull*
*patient wakes up to turn off the music*
I hate when my MacBook start breathing heavy
I follow girls that walk to their cars alone because there’s a lot of weirdos out there.
*I need to eat better*
post donut clarity
People who think it’s okay to drop by,
It’s not okay. If you aren’t carrying an Amazon box for me, do not even consider ringing my doorbell for I will hide from you even after we make eye contact through the window on your walk up the sidewalk I DGAF.
Why do prescription pills always say “by mouth?” Where else would people put th…
Ooooooh.
It’s 1925. I’m leanin’ against this lamppost on the lookout for dames who are lookin for trouble. I start flipping a quarter. I catch her eye. I fumble the quarter and it rolls into a sewer grate. I have lost the equivalent of thirty thousand dollars.
I wish No More Tangles shampoo would work on Christmas lights.
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
Whoever invented the spoon caused quite a stir.
Minister: if anyone objects to this unio-
Me: *raptor call*
Groom: *raptor call*
Guests: *chorus of raptor calls*
*Bride gets devoured*
Therapist: what would you say to your dad if he were alive today?
Me: sorry for cremating you. I honestly thought you were dead
[approaching a person with a service dog who’s wearing a “Working: Do Not Pet” vest]
Me who is different and likely not target audience of sign: Hi, can I pet your dog?
Co-worker: How are you today?
Me: *starts writing death threats on the wall in period blood.*
Deacon: Remember when you said you were open to ideas to get new members?
Pastor: Yes, why do you ask?
Deacon: How do you feel about knives?
[fishing]
me: why won’t these goldfish take my bait?
friend: they’re koi.
me: aww don’t be shy little fishies.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
As I told my 4 year old it was bed time she turned herself into a sloth and started walking really slow. So yes kids test your patience.