doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
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Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
HUSBAND: I can’t believe you’re in your 40s. You look so young.
ME: Nice try. You’re not getting the last piece of pizza.
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Will not visit my brother because he has an air mattress and I refuse to sleep without my Chinese throwing stars
I said NO, Steve! It’s a terrible idea. We’ll never get away with it…
When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
[first day as tour guide in the catacombs] okay so all these bones came from one guy.
I don’t go out very much because I’m broke, but oh boy, once I’m rich, I’m gonna have to come up with another excuse.
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Hey person who wrote “WASH ME” on my car, I know it wasn’t my car that wrote that. My car doesn’t speak English. I’m onto you.
me: how can I seem confident on my date?
friend: act like you own the place
[later]
her: thanks for picking me up
me: where’s the rent
Very important new poster I stuck up in town today. This is my first step towards becoming a great businessman
Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
Me: [sat in car]
Cop: u forget something? [Points at baby still on roof in his carrier]
Me: OMG yes [gets out & puts on his flying goggles]
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
I found this set for $10 at a garage sale and I need someone else to be as excited about it as I am
pacific rim takes place in 2020 and the kaiju haven’t emerged yet. but seeing how this year is going, we should be prepared.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
what’s the proper waiting period after your spouse is kidnapped until you can resume watching your Netflix shows without it being a thing
realizing i have to deal with the consequences of my actions
Zodiac Killer origin story where he’s bullied by an astrologist
My new diet consists in killing anyone who tells me I’m fat.
Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
Spent the day helping out on my son’s Kindergarten field trip.
Teachers should make a minimum of $6 million per year.
tattoo artist: so you want a pair of scissors, are you a hair stylist
me: no I just hate running
undercover boss: im gonna learn what it means to work the day to day jobs and stay undercover for the next few weeks
[first hour]
worker: hey man someone shit all over the bathroom u got it
undercover boss: wow u figured it out its me, The Undercover Boss
I choose toothpaste NOT recommended by dentists… those sneaky tooth-fiddlers have a lot to gain from promoting one that doesn’t work.