@3sunzzz

13: I found a baggie of pot.

M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.

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@stockejock

Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.

@fro_vo

INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then

@DomesticGoddss

This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.

@man_spach

The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.

@SemFitty

Body: I’m sooooooo tired

Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES

@erichwithach

My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.

@bluebonetbabies

1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.

@themorris23

And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.

@bjaynash

Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.