13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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The indescribable pain of having a client read off the options they see under “Settings.”
Tried to pull up my sleeve and accidentally punched myself.
It’s okay, I’ve had it coming for some time now.
“Sushi” is Japanese for “take a picture of this, white girls.”
Server: What kind of sauce do you want for your pasta?
15: The tears of my enemies…
Kids are fun.
Yup….perfect score!
*Eating my third bowl of ice cream*
I really thought this Keto diet would be harder.
I’m so glad my great aunt handed down the beautiful, vintage art deco water glasses that I love because my husband has discovered they are perfect for catching spiders.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
Pronouncing words correctly is not my fort.
You’ll be disappointed to know faking your own death is more about forging documents than it is about lying perfectly still with your eyes closed
People r afraid of boogers. I bet u could rob a bank with a booger! Folks in the bank would back up! Police would be puzzled tho: A Bogger?!
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Me: *plucking hedge as my lord passes by*
Lord: oh manservant
Me: yes, my lord?
Lord: You trim this hedge with such care that when you’ve reached the end, the rest will again be quite overgrown. Thus, your toil ever continues?
Me: yes, my lord
Lord: *chuckling* delightful 🙂
if someone is yelling at you, put a smoothie in their hand. it’s hard to be intimidated by someone holding a smoothie.
[at the gym]
GUYS, stop splashing in the shower! You know I can’t get my perm wet for another few days.
What about a To-Don’t List?
My husband purchased a world map and then gave me a dart and said, “Throw this and wherever it lands—that’s where I’m taking you when this pandemic ends.”
Turns out, we’re spending two weeks behind the fridge.
[ bad kitty ]
me: cut it out
cat: ?
me: stop it
cat: ?
me: knock it off
cat: now we’re talking
Things toddlers have in common with raccoons:
– make messes they have no intention of cleaning up
– won’t share
– don’t like baths
– bitey
At this point I feel like MTV is just trying to scare old people.
“I might pop down later” – Translation: You’ve more chance of seeing a dancing hippo than you have of seeing me later
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
American Diner: How’d you like your eggs?
American: 2 egg golds, 2 egg blankets, Over – under, flip cut, tray wide smooth, smiley side West.British Cafe: Eggs?
British Person: please.
I’m not a piece of shit. I’m the whole shit.
Funny how this Target cashier says “Merry Christmas” like she’s not going to see me 50 more times between now & then.
I have felt uncomfortable before. But we were just passed by a slow moving hearse and funeral cars… My son is dressed as the grim reaper.
He f**ng waved.
Atheists certainly have a lot to say about the nothing they believe in.
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
i wear a mask when i sleep, because who knows who’s going to come into an Arby’s bathroom this close to the highway