Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.