@stockejock
Fool me once shame on you,
Unless you’re speaking Spanish, then that’s eleven times and I probably deserved it.
@3sunzzz
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
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@stockejock
@fro_vo
INTERVIEWER: where is your resume
ME: i forgot it
INTERVIEWER: seriously
ME: yeah
INTERVIEWER: *under breath* you had one job
ME: oh so you’ve seen it then
@DomesticGoddss
This morning I packed nothing but a kale salad for lunch and now 1pm me wants to punch 7am me in the face.
@man_spach
The last time Twitter was down I realized it didn’t take 6 hours to poop.
@SemFitty
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
@trutherbot
@erichwithach
My son just told me he knows all the lyrics to Despacito and then just sang “burrito” for every single word.
@bluebonetbabies
1st child: you encourage creativity
2nd child: you encourage independent play
3rd child: you stifle all imagination to avoid a mess.
@themorris23
And remember kids, when you go to Target, there really is no “non creepy” way to ask where the Vaseline is.
@bjaynash
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because it looks like you landed on your face.