13 just put on deodorant without being told so he must have a girlfriend now
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You people are tweeting a lot about this eclipse for people who claim to never go outside
My villain origin story? When my old apt neighbor (shared bedroom wall) set her alarm clock for the hr after she left for a WEEK LONG VACATION
Look at this
there are only 4 good weeks in the year: 2 weeks in spring when it starts getting nice out but there aren’t any wasps yet, and 2 weeks in fall when it’s still nice out and there are no longer any wasps. the rest of the year is either freezing or wasps
My daughter has a middle school government test today. So I figured the best way to help her study was to weave the material into our convo when she complained this am
Have you tried growling until they back away slowly?
I just shaved my armpits after such an extended hiatus that my razor acted as little more than a comb. Should have scythed first.
What if the hobbits couldn’t fly the eagles into Mordor because the eagles were made by Boeing
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
Saw a bumper sticker today that said Choose Life. I can think of 10 other cereals I’d choose first.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE
I like how the use of the passive implies William Shatner has no say in the matter
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
CDC: Fully vaccinated people can safely gather indoors and hug.
Me: Gross.
“Dude, we should swap spacesuits. Just for a laugh.”
“Ha, yeah ok.”
[swaps suits]
“Now we sh-”
“You took a shit in this, didn’t you?”
How do you row a canoe filled with puppies?
Bring out the doggy paddle
my wife slo-mo diving across the living room to knock the remote out of my hand as i try to watch a sci-fi movie under her profile
Karma is my daughter bragging about getting to sleep late this week and forgetting to turn off her alarm.
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
I can’t stop coughing. Think I’ll go see a movie in a crowded theater while slowly eating a bag of bone-dry popcorn.
Facial recognition software, but it just explains Where You Know That Person From
Name dog. Call dog every derivative of that name but the actual name.
My grocery store changed its whole layout. It was better the other way so I’m slowly and quietly moving everything back.
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Me: No more talking. Good night.
10: Did you know you could throw a rock into a big body of water and be the last person to touch that rock until the end of time?
Woman cut me off, stole my parking spot. I honked, flipped her off and went into yoga. Woman came into class as the instructor. Namaste.