13: Mom, you look younger every day.
M: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
M: How young?
13: 29
M: Done.
You Might Also Like
*walks up to salad bar and fills entire plate with bacon bits and chocolate pudding*
My husband is outside talking to people. Tonight, he will be outside sleeping.
[first stakeout]
Cop: you seem disappointed
Me: *hiding my A1 sauce* no, it’s fine
“The fridge door is open!” I yell from upstairs because I’m a woman and I can sense these things.
Why would you ask me for directions?
You just saw me walk into a closed door.
What I thought I’d want my kids to learn: kindness, compassion, empathy
What I actually want them to learn: to flush the toilet and turn off a goddamn light
According to WebMD, given my symptoms, I died 9 years ago.
If I’m “supposed to” shave my knees then why are they shaped like that ? Exactly
Spend $200 on cat toys
Cats: OMFG A Q-TIP
Me: Honey, I left work early to pick up the kids!
Wife: But we d..
*I arrive into the kitchen with two small goats
Meet Frank and Dolores
What’s it called when you’re a perfectionist but also extremely bad at everything?
Thank you for showing me your Facebook wedding album. Now if you have time, here is a slideshow of my top 36 scores in Mario Kart
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
I have the attention of a goldfish.
Seriously, it’s been watching me for hours.
I’m inventing a new holiday where you take back one gift you previously gave someone.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
If Captain America doesn’t have a pizza hidden behind his shield at all times, he isn’t fighting for the America I want to live in.
I was raised catholic which means I have to close my eyes when I peel a banana.
*spends 45 minute drive trying to perfectly crack open my car window*
OMG, you’re huge! There’s no way you’ll fit inside me.
– My clothes.
The waiter who’s drawn the short straw today steps up to my table with a gulp.
Him: Fresh Parmesan?
Me: MAKE IT RAAAAIN!
homeless guy said “hey there pretty lady, show me that smile, where’s that smile?” and I said “it’s at my house”
*Wakes up*
“Wow I feel pretty good”
*Moves body*
“Maybe I spoke too soon”
Me: I’m gonna make you an offer you can’t refuse.
Him: Ma’am, for the last time, we don’t have a limit on how much liquor you can buy.
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
Got fired from my last job as a nightclub promoter because I refuse to break the first rule of nightclub
Malicious compliance at its best. Reap what you sow.