13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day
Me: What have you written so far?
13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”
M: Good opener.
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HEADS UP: I was at just at the mall and they must’ve recently installed those speed bumps that scream in pain
DOCTOR: Yes, stripping to the waist is necessary for this check-up
ME: uh ok. Should I do it too?
DOCTOR [flexing biceps] yeah if you want
Willy Wonka: Welcome to my chocolate factory!
Kid: I love chocolate!
Willy Wonka: It’s death for you. I also make gum!
Next kid: I love gum!
Willy Wonka: Death. Anyone else here love anything?
Next kid: … I like TV?
Willy Wonka: ………… Death.
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
People: it’s important to limit your children’s screen time
School System: y’all heard about virtual learning?
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
37% of the 90’s was all about jumping.
6-year-old: Can I have some Oreos?
Me: You have the flu.
6: I’m sick, not dead.
[first date]
HER: I like classic cars
ME: ugh do not get me started on the sequels
[first day in prison]
Me: (to the biggest guy) You know what? You’re busy. I can come back.
Does this dress make me look cat?
I caught my husband eating the last of the ice cream last night. First of all, we are supposed to be dieting together. Second of all, I was going to eat that.
Therapist: Alright, let’s start at the beginning
Me: *Sighs* I guess it all really started when I wasn’t born a centaur
My doctor told me I have acute appendicitis and I said “Compared to who!?”
SON: *in James Bond costume*
Look Daddy, I’m a spy!ME: Well if that’s how you introduce yourself, you’re a really shit one.
[Lawyer]
“I can’t stress this enough. You cannot plead that you’re a wizard ok?”
“ok”
[Later in court]
“I plead that im a wizard your honor”
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
You can change your cat’s name every day. They don’t care.
You can see some absolutely disgusting and terrifying things in the subway. I once saw a guy order marinara sauce on his 6” tuna sub.
I used to be happily married…but then we went furniture shopping together.
Every time someone makes a typo, I look at the location of the letters on the keyboard to consider whether it’s justified.
Not to brag but I’m never late for work without a good reason. For example this week my boss is on vacation…
Grown men who drink hot chocolate in coffee shops.
Who hurt you?
Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall
Sometimes I think I should try to be a better person, but then I remember I’m good-looking, so I’m, like, nah.
I talk to my dog like she’s human and, like most humans, she looks at me like I’m an idiot.
If a demon ever tried to possess me my first thought would be: enjoy that debilitating anxiety my dude.
Dating tip: Before you think he’s attractive—stop, breathe, and take a moment to think… is he attractive, or is he just a bowl of lasagna?
FARMER: can I help you, sir?
ME: this ain’t my first rodeo, buddy
FARMER: [narrows eyes]
ME: ok maybe it is [climbs off sheep]
Friend: Sorry, I lost my voice at a baseball game last night.
me: Yikes! Remind me to never go to any baseball games.