@VerbsRProudest

13: My English teacher wants us to write in a journal every day

Me: What have you written so far?

13: “I don’t want to write a journal, & I don’t like Quarantine Chicken Surprise.”

M: Good opener.

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@UncleDuke1969

Trapped beneath the feet of a bearded giant…

Cut off from the world.

Stephen King & Pixar present:

“A BUG’S LIFE 3: UNDER THE GNOME”

@jnapsalot

Came home to my husband watching ID Channel, dinner cooked and an empty sink.

I have never feared for my life and been simultaneously turned on than I am in this moment.

@9GAG

If you succeed at failing, do you fail or succeed?

@T_Bonezzz_

[ First Date ]

Her: OMG, I’ve been talking about myself all night. Tell me a little bit about yourself..

Me: HODOR…

@BawseLady

There’s a book called “Why Women have sex” by Cindy Meston. The author also wrote”Why Men have sex” but I’m guessing thats just a pamphlet.

@Parkerlawyer

Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.

@envydatropic

*Uses public restroom

**Squats so long walks out with buns of steel

@abuya_henry

8:00 am – Packs Lunch
9:00 am – Arrives at work
9:04 am – Eats Lunch

@Schmoodles

Checking my lotto numbers makes me forget everything I know about probability, and gives me a temporary belief in the power of prayer.