This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
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If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”
“Who’s sorry now?”
~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.
They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.