@CrockettForReal

13: so dad, I was thinking.

Me: about what, son?

13: I’m taller than you…

Me: yeah, and?

13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.

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@givemymeds

This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear… I’m just fat.

@velvettusk

If you held a gun to my head and forced me to choose Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man or Andrew Garfield’s, I’d probably shit my pants.

@ArfMeasures

WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?

ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best

W: How long until they go to bed?

ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds

@Fickle_Filly

Cashier: And how are you today?

Me: Incandescent with rage. You?

@JD_Barney

I was really excited when he said that condoms didn’t fit him, then he added “they fall right off”

@Hormonella

“Who’s sorry now?”

~ First question on Canadian citizenship exam

@BuckyIsotope

GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points

@jjhartinger

My neighbors, leaf blowing Larry and tile cutting Tim, are in the midst of a noise war, so I blasted “Let it Go” and won.

@drinksmcgee

They say that ones who hurt you the most also love you the most which means that this clown standing over me with an axe must love me a lot.