Why does Mommy always say no?
Well Son, if Mommy said yes all the time you’d have 20 more siblings.
13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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Sometimes when I want to make my girlfriend feel skinny, I just release about 25% of her from the air valve.
Everybody is a kid of some decade, but “90’s kids” are the only ones who are annoying about it.
I spent the entire day throwing darts at a picture of my wife.
Wife: What you doing?
Husband: Missing you.
I hate when my cat brings in a dead bird and I have to pretend I enjoy eating it so I don’t hurt his feelings
I’m invincible. I can not be Vinced
Wife: where do you want to go to eat?
Me: you pick
Wife: I’m craving kale
Me: I’ll pick
What the FU..
(I have a master’s degree)