13 Types of Regret You’ll Experience After Clicking on a Link to an Article That Won’t Live Up to its Exaggerated Headline
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I’m exactly like Rambo if his bandolier was full of breakfast sandwiches
I don’t get it. EVERYTHING we do is for money. Why does society condemn it for sex? DAD: Um, okay. Maybe someone ELSE wants to say grace?
“This is your raise. Please keep it confidential.”
“Don’t worry. I’m as ashamed of it as you are.”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Me: Shhh, your brother is still sleeping.
4yo: *runs upstairs
CRASH
JUMP
“Wake up!”
SLAM
*runs back downstairs
“No, he’s not.”
“Hello?”
“Hi it’s me”
“Oh hi me”
walmart: why do u want to work here?
me: it’s easier to steal if the employees trust me
walmart: why would u tell us that
me: *slowly taking their pen* to build trust
I’m helping my daughter write valentines to her class and children’s names these days are completely out of hand.
I think the main issue with ‘The Hunger Games’ is that while her life is at stake, boy problems are still presented as legitimate threats.
why is it called “free time” when i use it to spend all my money
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
Is my boss trying to pronounce “charcuterie” or are they genuinely having a stroke? More at 11
Uh oh. Mercury is in lemonade again.
Pinocchio would have been a way crazier story if he were a swordfish
No thanks Audi; I get all the uncompromised luxury I can handle by driving whatever car my wife thinks makes me look the most married.
toddler *shows me his new toy*
me: Who gave you that?
toddler: My friend
me: When?
toddler: When he wasn’t looking
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
Me: Yes honey.. I know.. a stroller for the baby. I got it.
*hangs up*
Salesman: As I was saying, the largest hamster ball we sell is a-
You should not throw stones at glass houses but they never said anything about the home owners.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
Time traveling but it’s just me aging 5 years per every month of my kids life.
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
the concept of modeling is insane to me. “buy our clothes. here, check out how they look on someone infinitely more attractive than you, you messy slob”
microdosing bungee jumping by bending over to pick up a hair tie
My kids have been watching Bluey and they’ve started saying ‘oh biscuits’ instead of ‘oh shit,’ so don’t tell me screen time isn’t beneficial.
What’s with hiking? Leave nature alone, weirdos.
Me: [Advancing my knight] How much to build a hotel on this square?
Grim Reaper: First, as I explained, that’s not how the horse moves.
Has this person in front of me ever used a drive thru?
– everyone