@tastefactory
Cop: Save it for the JUDGE!
Crook:Ok
*crook wraps up last slice of pizza in foil*
Lawyer: it’s too bad the judge had to miss our pizza party
@VerbsRProudest
13: *walking into room*
Me: (on phone, talking about types of tomato plants) I like big boys. I’ve had good luck with them in the past.
13: *makes horrified face, turns, walks back out*
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@tastefactory
@RealSamHarwood
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour
@MarieLoerzel
When I say, “I’ve always wanted an island”, I meant in the Caribbean, not the kitchen.
@broken_rhi
If twitter has taught me anything about myself, it’s that my sexual orientation is Canadian.
@bornmiserable
I want to be a Walmart greeter just so I can tell customers who come in “everyone enters, but not everyone leaves”
@AbleLikes
I did some self care this morning. Got up early, took vitamins, did situps, ordered a new liver from Amazon
@curlymalloy
Those stupid stress balls don’t work!!!… I just ate one, and it got stuck in my throat… And now, I’m more stressed than before!!!
@Cpin42
If you’re having money problems, don’t get discouraged. Two years ago I filed for bankruptcy and now I live in a tent in my uncle’s backyard
@Stellacopter
Before emjois i had to end texts to my girlfriends with “two girls holding hands* heart* kissy face* glass of wine* nail polish* red lips.”
@OfficeLinebcker
“If I eat my arm, I can’t technically gain any weight” – my thought process after only 5 days of dieting.
I’m doomed.