@OmarImranTweets

13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.

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@ArfMeasures

OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same

@KKAlThani

Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.

@Mr_Kapowski

Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?

@martian_munk

If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.

@tchrquotes

I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.

@mostlysharks

[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite

@Smooheed

I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting

@RunwayDan

Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.

@duumb

me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon