13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”

Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.

You Might Also Like


OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?

WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills

OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died

WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same


Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.


Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*

[2 hours later]

Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U

Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?


If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.

It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.


I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.


[first day as a doctor]

me: we need to amputate your son’s leg

mother: i want a second opinion!

me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually

mother: no, another doctor

another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite


I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun

Yay parenting


Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.


me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself

her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon