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I suggested we say please and thank you to Alexa so our kids can hear us and it reinforces being nice to strangers and my wife loved it. my real reason is when AI becomes our sentient overlord it’ll remember we were always kind to it and let us go live in the woods by ourselves.
Wife: “If I die first, I want you to remarry.”
Me: “Wow. Do you really hate me that much?”
[job interview]
BOSS: We’re looking for a real people person
ME: Well I’m definitely a human
Devil: Welcome to Hell. Do you know why you’re here?
Me: Um…
D: Seriously?
M: …
D: Arianna, you told your kids they couldn’t have brownie dough because it would give them salmonella and then you ate that shit with your hands after they left.
M: AND ID DO IT AGAIN
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
You’re 22 years old, dating a 62 year old man an update a status like “I can’t wait to see my baby” Is he your baby or your ANCESTOR ?
When I trip I always look back to see who or what did it because it couldn’t have possibly have been my fault.
My report card always said I was not living up to my full potential. Well, the joke’s on them. That really was as good as I was going to get
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
I bet Dog heaven and Squirrel hell are the same place
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Anti-Hero if Taylor Swift was in a SKA BAND @Skatunenetwork
As a kid, I once spent hours hiding wedged behind a dresser refusing to come out unless my mom called me Smurfette- knowing full well she’d never figure out that was the way to find me/ get me out – so yes I’ve always been this way…
My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
Ok I won’t subliminally ask any more subtraction problems, but I only did it 6 or maybe 3 times. What’s the difference?
My children can go an entire day at home without a glass of water but only 30 seconds in the car before dehydration sets in.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
sleep researchers agree that it may sound fun to set a favorite song as your wakeup alarm, but it will quickly make you hate the song. That’s why the scientific consensus is for everyone to use Drops Of Jupiter instead
I love Instagram’s new direct messaging feature because I’ve always thought, “If only this picture of someone’s dinner was just for me.”
Them: hey, you coming for drinks after work?
Me:…
First of all, I didn’t take it, and second, I already put it back.
[at the opera]
Me: what’s wrong with that guy
Wife: shh!
Me: but he’s tiny, he can barely hold that violin
Wife [whispers]: that’s a cello
Jokes aside, I hope you don’t get partially eaten by a shark on your vacation.
Morpheus: Take the blue pill, story ends
Neo:
Morpheus: Red pill, stay in wonderland
Neo:
Morpheus: Green pill, you learn to juggle
Neo: What-
Morpheus: This purple one is a skittle
I think “How the Grinch Stole Christmas!” has given my youngest unrealistic expectations. Today, we talked about putting away the tree, and he said, “No, WE don’t have to. The Grinch is supposed to come to our house and take it away.”
Why would a married man buy a hearing aid?
[elevator doors r closing, i see a woman running to get on. i push the close door button because i gotta be on time for an interview. i get there exactly at 2 and sit down. a few min later the interviewer walks in. it’s the woman from the elevator]
her: *glares*
me: you’re late
I was not prepared for how terrifying this Invasion of the Body Snatchers remake would be.
Some of these captcha tests are hard sha. Maybe I’m a robot?