OBITUARY WRITER: How would you describe him?
WIFE: Very still, pale, awful social skills
OBITUARY WRITER: I mean before he died
WIFE: Oh! Haha sorry! Yeah, the same
13 year old girls be like “I need a man who.. ”
Lol the only Man in your life should be Spongebob. Yallah go finish your homework.
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Can we speak to the Mayans and have the ending of the world earlier than planned? Preferably before the premier of the new Twilight movie.
HIM: Do you have raisins?
ME: I have grapes and patience.
Me: I’m in the mood for dessert *winks at wife*
[2 hours later]
Wife: *in lingerie, texts* WHERE R U
Me: *texts* Getting ice cream. Y?
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
I always take a different store’s tote bags when I go grocery shopping so they don’t get the idea we’re exclusive or anything.
[first day as a doctor]
me: we need to amputate your son’s leg
mother: i want a second opinion!
me: the star wars prequels were pretty good actually
mother: no, another doctor
another doctor: attack of the clones is my favourite
I just ruined my 5 year olds’ entire life by using the wrong shade of yellow for the sun
Never bring your fists to a knife fight. Never bring a knife to a gun fight. And whatever you do, stay far, far away from a fight between two geese.
me: [teary eyed] if anything ever happened to you i would kill myself
her: ur kinda weird for a surgeon