13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

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I guess a good thing that would happen to me if the zombie apocalypse ever occurred is that I’d finally start running


Her: OMG! The holidays aren’t an excuse to stuff your face with whatever edible that crosses your path.

Me: I eat like this everyday.


My favorite part of Easter is when, after dinner, the whole family gets together and reads letters about how my drinking has affected them.


Tv: The abominable snowman is very dangerous
“Obamanible snowman…?”
*obama walks in*
Everything okay joe?
“Uh yeah just fine”


*replaces cream in doughnuts with mayo, tries not to laugh as Frank from accounting eats one…watches, waits, frowns as Frank goes for 2nd


“Mommy when I grow up, I want to be a shoe”

-straight up killin’ it at this parenting thing


I made fun of a lady swaddling her dog in a blanket and she overheard and turns out it wasn’t a dog it was her baby hey have a great Monday.


phd thesis: the amoumt of property damage depicted in a action movie is directley proportional to its budget


Therapist: what would you say is your biggest fear

Me: chameleon bears

Therapist: but those don’t even exist

Me: *looking around nervously* how could anyone know