13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
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My cat did not flinch once when the fireworks were going off for hours, but he did yell at me for moving my leg 1 millimeter to the left.
It’s a good thing I’m not Batman, because there’s NO WAY I would keep that shit secret.
My kids baked a cake and now I have to eat it all tonight because it’d be unhealthy for them to eat it for breakfast tomorrow
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
welcome to your parents’ house, where the wifi password is fEtbqP2LVp3U6Hkh
Hand lotion, or as I like to call it
“Sin sauce”
HER: I love how we always finish each other’s
HIM:
HER:
HIM:
HER: Marriages
My mom called and gave me the weekly weather report. I can’t wait to do this to my kids.
Ad exec 1: Ok, we’ve really got to corner the market on condoms. First we name the company Trojan, you know like the Trojan horse, and then we-
Ad exec 2: Wait, wait, wait, wasn’t the whole point of the Trojan Horse to SNEAK THEM IN?
Ad exec 1: Shut up, it’s reverse psychology.
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
goes back in time to kill alexander hamilton so my wife will stop singing those god damn songs but when I return to the future I find that they just kinda worked my time machine into the musical
‘Ok i’ll bite’ is both my favourite catchphrase and also why my summer body will be a Homer Simpson body
My 1 year-old got mad with one of his toys today and threw it. I asked him what happened and he insisted it fell.
One day, he’s going to make an excellent mobster.
It is so frustrating when I accidentally click on the wrong option in Microsoft Excel and a series of dormant land mines are detonated somewhere in southeast Asia
why you guys always think you were some cool person in your past life and not a fly that lived for like 24 hours, settle down
Them: You want the truth?
Me: No thanks, I’m trying to cut back.
If two wrongs don’t make a right, I might as well try for three.
[furniture store]
Wife: We’re putting in a bar.
Salesman: OK
Wife: And…
S: Yes?
W: Go ahead, say it.
Me: WE’RE GONNA NEED A STOOL SAMPLE.
“how come you never post me?” i only post jokes on here babe and you not a joke to me
Me screaming at the pollen on my walk before work this morning
You blow one bubble and suddenly all the other bubbles are talking about you.
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
ME: this hotel is infested with squirrels!
GUY: get out of my son’s tree house
ME: fine, but I’m keeping the squirrels
Bigfoot’s whole body is big. he should be called Bigbody
DOG 911: What’s ur emer-
DOG: OWNER IS CATCHIN POKEMON
DOG 911: So
DOG: HE’S THROWING BALLS BUT I CAN’T FIND THEM
DOG 911: OMG
DOG: OMG
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
“Please bear with me” and “please bare with me” are two very different requests
SCHOOLS:
We’ve scheduled Back to School Night so you’ll have just enough time to pick your kid up, get home, then have to turn right back around again.