The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
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FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk