
The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second
ME: what’s wrong
FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence
Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?
Wife: Yes
Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards
Wife:
Me: *crying* I get it now, babe
[rooster sits down in barber chair]
Give me a cockadoodledo
[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one
It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.
I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.
*at Pearly Gates
Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark
St. Peter: Mittens, I said no
why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god
Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk