13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.

33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.

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The sexual tension between me and the bottle of hand sanitiser after a customer accidentally touches me


FINANCIAL ADVISOR: let’s back up for a second

ME: what’s wrong

FINANCIAL ADVISOR: did you just call it dude diligence


Me: Remember how you said childbirth felt like the worst pain I could think of, multiplied by a hundred?

Wife: Yes

Me: My mom gave away a hundred of my Pokémon cards


Me: *crying* I get it now, babe


[death row]
Okay Johnson, it’s time. Any last requests?
Pardon me?
I said it’s time, any last—ah I see what you did there, Johnson. Good one


It was a sad day when I discovered my Universal Remote Control did not, in fact, control the Universe. Not even remotely.


I’m good in short bursts like grenades or gamma radiation.


*at Pearly Gates

Cat (in dog costume): Uh bark

St. Peter: Mittens, I said no


why worry about today when you can worry about the past present and future simultaneously like a nervous god


Neither candidate addressed the fact that we have a Hulk