Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks. The Thin Mints are mine, bro.
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I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
“Why did you leave your last job?”
-I had a typo in a tweet.
“Mistakes happen!”
-I worked for Yahoo Finance.
“Thanks for coming in. Bye”
If mental stability was measured by the type of tweets we laughed at, straight jackets would be the new black.
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
WORM 911: what’s ur emergency
FLATWORM: I CUT MYSELF BAD
WORM 911: u need medical help?
FLATWORM: wait, there’s 2 of me now. we’re good.
Shout out to the top 5 drops in the world, gum, rain, eaves, shop ’til you and you could hear a pin.
The Cleveland kidnapper was found dead in his cell. I guess being locked up against your will didn’t agree with him.
*Job interview
Him: Any special achievements?
Me: Yeah, my tweet got published on BuzzFeed
H: Alright, you’re hired
M: Really?
H: No.
welcome to your forties now your eyebrows grow from your left shoulder
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: Your word is walk
“Walk. W-A-L-K. Walk”
JUDGE: [pulls off mask to reveal he is a dog] I KNEW IT! *glares at owner*
Me:
How’s that chicken babe, too spicy?12:
Its not really spicy..Except on the way out
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
The Earth is 70% uncarbonated water
Therefore the Earth is flat.
me: i hate my job
gf: why don’t you try living off the land
me: like in the sky?
gf: what
me: you’re right, i’ve been shackled by earthly bonds far too long
a murderer tries to stab me but im wearing rollerskates and he just kind of pushes me a few feet
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
*Reads your ransom note*
*Edits for grammar and punctuation*
Me: my shoulder is sore
DR: I told u stop throwing rocks at the Sun
[walking out of office] (looks at Sun) I guess ur safe *squints* for now
Johnny Depp could lose 250 hands of strip poker in a row and wouldn’t even have all his thumb rings off yet.
My friend just broke up with her man. I really helped her through the break up by letting her know he’s no good in bed anyway.
Don’t get me wrong, the evil stepmother was way out of line, but that line kind of starts to blur for me after babysitting someone else’s kid for more than 4 hours.
Of course men used to think women were witches. Women threw some yeast and flour together and “poof” there’s bread. Witches, I tell you.
My greatest joy in life is when a friend reads a book I recommend.
My greatest frustration in life is when they don’t read it fast enough
4: The baby has a lot of skin!
Me: I think he has a normal amount of skin…
4:
Me: ….definitely the right amount of skin for him….
4:
Me: Please don’t do anything to his skin.
OSTRICH: *buries head in sand*
ANTELOPE: You’re crazy!
OSTRICH: Shut your mouth and help me bury the rest of him. I’m NOT going back to jail
If I were the person naming diseases, Chronic Lying Disorder would be called Liarrhea.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
I’m going to steal my own tweets and get mad at myself.
A Muslim in London just told me Merry Christmas. I smiled and said and Happy Ramadan to you. A beautiful moment of interfaith harmony and a stunning rebuke of Brexit. Then she said but it’s not Ramadan and I said listen granny stop ruining this fake story I need the retweets.