Me: dang those wings were spicy
WebMD: you have cancer
Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn
WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ
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An octopus should have eightacles, not ten.
*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*
“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”
If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.
Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!
Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.
“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”
Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?
Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.
holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?
Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.