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@portmanteauface

Me: dang those wings were spicy

WebMD: you have cancer

Me: I just ate buffalo wings I’m pretty sure it’s just heartburn

WebMD: ᵇᵘᶠᶠᵃˡᵒ ᶜᵃⁿᶜᵉʳ

@SIGHFIDELITY

*a murder mystery party but backwards- where we, as a group, must decide who among us to murder and how*

@Tommytoughstuff

“Hello welcome to meteorologist school. Please stick your head out of the nearest window and pick your diploma up on your way out.”

@Ideal_Victoria

If anyone is living vicariously through me, you just bought yourself Flintstones chewable vitamins.

@Pork_Chop_Hair

Friend: we’re going to Mexico this summer!

Me: I just bought a sensible lavender cardigan on clearance at Target, Jessica. I really don’t have time for your drama.

@WilliamRodgers

“My mind is telling me nooo… But my body… My body’s telling me yesss…BABY”

Cashier: Sir…would you like fries with that or not?

@lazerdoov

Call your boring friend Simon, “Sighmon” he’ll never know the difference and you can laugh about it with your cool bros over beers.

@Kalarlis

holy crap a guy actually gave me his number and i didn’t know what to do so i panicked and sent him a picture of a dead bird?

@Xoolun

Health care in this country is a disgrace. My doctor said run 3 miles a day for a month. I’m now completely lost & 90 miles away from home.