ME: sorry boss, can’t come in today. i’m sick as a dog.
DOG: [heelys passed – smoking a pipe] you wish, bro
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Me: I’ll just put off this update that forces my phone to restart.
Me, driving and using Google maps: Oh no.
there are only 2 generations:
-America’s Funniest Home Videos
-Tik Toks
This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.
[guy chasing me with a chainsaw]
lol this idiot thinks im a tree
Zoom Staff Meeting
Boss: Everyone staying fit?
Bob: I have a home gym!
Carol: I have Zoom Cross Fit sessions.
Me: I have a vigorous moisturizing routine.
I’ve never watched paint dry but I did watch Windows update for 5 years.
Hey people – learn to spell!!!
I mean my co-workers. Twitter, you guys actually do pretty well, considering half of you are probably drunk.
DORA: “What was YOUR favorite part?!”
ME:
DORA:
ME:
DORA: “I like that part too.”
Mosquitoes be like “I know a spot” and then bite me in on that one part of my back I can’t reach
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
When grocery shopping, I only buy foods that can also be used as a weapon. Cantaloupe is a good example of this.
Date: Are you winking or blinking?
Cyclops: I do not know.
Imagine if songbirds sang real songs and you got to hear WHOOMP THERE IT IS every morning
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
I am now referring to my parents as numbers like you guys refer to your kids.
72 & 70 are coming to visit, send wine.
*driving home*
Me: I spy something gray.
4yo: Your hair!
Me:…
4yo:…
Me: I spy something adopted.
Remember , for some unknown reason Santa doesn’t make batteries .
CW: What’s your favorite shellfish fantasy drama?
Me: Game of Prawns 🍤
[At the job interview]
“Why did you leave your last job?”
“They took a vote.”
omg this girl flew across the country to tell someone she was in love with them and she posted the journey on twitter and she got there and they rejected her. see that’s why i keep my mouth shut.
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
Kid bunny: why do humans think we lay eggs?
Dad bunny: i think it’s time we have “The Talk.”
Kid bunny: ok
Dad bunny: *leaning in to whisper* humans are idiots
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
No One:
My Family: Please check the menu of this restaurant we’re going to eat at in six months and let us know what you want.
Son: Facebook is for old people.
Me: That’s not true, pretty much everyone I know is on i- …oh…
Every morning when I get home. I thank my cats for allowing me to live in their house.
I go to the bank wearing a Ski mask because I want everyone to know how athletic I am.
Judge: I find you guilty of all charges
Neutron: This is some bullshit
Once a year I think about how when my brother and I were 10 and my sister was 3 she ran in the living room waving an empty package laughing manically at us she ate ALL the chocolate and left us none. I looked at the pack it said EX LAX.
Then I heard her stomach rumble.
Oh sweet, I was wondering how every corporation I’ve ever given my email to was handling COVID-19.