*pandemic ends*
Mother Nature: HOW ARE THEY STILL ALIVE??!!!
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My favorite part of yesterday was when the cashier at Whole Foods couldn’t price an item & said “Here just take it I hate this fuckin place”
“I don’t understand why people try to act drunk. I spend most of my time trying to act sober.” – Florida State
I gave brutally honest script notes to a close friend and he really respected me for ending the friendship.
I got tazed in the zoo again for telling a group of kids that an angry giraffe is called a grrraffe.
Other people are gettin these amber alerts, right? Like, it’s not up to me to find these kids?
[Inside every wolf]
Me: Hey.
Me: Oh, hey.
what are these things called my boss calls them “if you call me in here to take those off your fingers again you’re fired”
JUDGE: state your name for the court
ME: Juan
JUDGE: and your last
ME: Agofree
JUDGE: so, Juan Agofree?
ME: *bangs gavel* case dismissed
If snails are so slow, why don’t we ever see them coming? It’s just BAM, there’s a snail.
Satan: Welcome to Hell.
Me: Dude! This is a tropical paradise! Bikini clad women. Alcohol as far as the eye can see.
Satan: I know, pretty sweet, right? Now, take this group of toddlers to the beach. For the day. All day. Everyday.
Me: Sonofa….
Anne Boleyn: My love, I wait for but one word from you
Henry VIII: New phone who dis
Anne: Your wife
Henry VIII: Lol which one
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
They say someone in the US is bitten by a shark 19 times a year.
Poor guy.
Donald Trump’s campaign is basically that thing where you say the wrong answer in Pictionary then just keep saying it louder and louder
Friend “Listen to this. I had wine delivered the other night and I ended up having sex with the delivery guy”
Me “There’s WINE delivery?”
*Snowman wakes up in hospital*
“What happened to me?!”
Snow Doctor: Don’t worry you’re fine. But… what did you think a snow blower did?
*survives trip to grocery store
*checks in as “safe” on Facebook
A spooky dog skeleton would be so confused. He’d be like should I haunt people or should I gnaw on my enticingly exposed bones
If you’re stuck in the wild, rub two mozzarella sticks together to start a pizza.
My son saw his medicine said shake well before using so he shook his whole body and damn that apple never even fell from the tree.
Her: Stop telling my friends you’re a faith healer
Me: Did I or did not cure a ham last week, Linda?
why in the hell am i in my kitchen right now letting this casserole win?
Me: What if itches are just ghost spiders haunting your body?
Children: Wait, what?
Me, switching off light: Nothing, g’night kids
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
A pregnant pause is like a regular pause but it doesn’t have a period.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
interviewer: where do you see yourself in five years
me: i’d love to be a dinkwad (dual income no kids with a dog)
*dresses like a kitty*
*climbs tree*
*waits for new fireman husband to come rescue me*
when i was in school i was doing my french speaking exam and i started crying cause i literally couldn’t do it and my french teacher said ‘it’s okay you’re not the worst, the girl before you answered the questions in english with a french accent’ and i could not breathe omg