*Thunder, lightning and buckets of rain outside the window*
Spouse: “Hand me my phone so I can check the weather.”
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My family thinks short term memory loss is adorable when a fish has it in Finding Dory, but when I have it, “Mommy has a drinking problem”.
My husband reminding me that Heidi Klum also has 4 kids is going to be the official cause of death on his death certificate.
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
And in that moment, she decided to stand up for herself
Never again would she do what Simon said
When you said ‘till death do us part’ I kinda figured you’d go first
Christmas is always stressful for my family but I refuse to stop giving my brother’s wives bras
*I enter the bank and draw a weapon*
Teller: holy shit
Me: what
Teller: you suck at art
I ordered my latte wrong at that new gypsy coffee place and now my shadow is a horse shadow
When I think about ‘running a tight ship’ I’m reminded that I’m more of a ‘walking a loose boat’ kinda girl.
Gonna install a mirror inside my fridge so that every time I open it to look for a snack, it’s always there.
THERAPIST: What do u wish for?
WIFE [smiles at me] That we regain the passion & intimacy of our early years together
ME: A penguin butler
FRIEND: It’s called cauliflower. It’s not ghost broccoli.
ME: [taking a long drag on my cigarette] Listen kid, I know what I saw.
SON: can I yell bomb at the airport
DAD: no
SON: I can yell boom
DAD: boom’s ok
SON: how about “my mom’s a lesbian now”
DAD: please don’t
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
One way to tell if a man is good in bed is to watch him dance. Another good way is to have sex with him.
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
Judge: Do you understand the charges filed against you?
Me: Yes, Your Majesty.
Judge: Your Honor.
Me: Oh, Thank you….
Oh, more embarrassing things I have done as a lawyer:
While working from home, I joined zoom court with my microphone on, not realized it, and reacted to a knock at the door by yelling “I swear to god I am in court right now!” And the judge said, “yes, you are.”
People immediately behave better in traffic once they notice the Elf on the Shelf tied to my grille.
If you have a friend who’s a pharmacist, and they are ignoring you, just say this: “I was taking antibiotics for an infection, but I feel better now so I’m not going to finish them.” Trust me, they cannot help themselves. They will respond.
4 said he went potty and I asked if it was number one or number two. He said number 7, and now I’m terrified to go into the bathroom.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
Workplace micro aggression- throwing a staple at someone
workplace macro aggression- throwing the stapler at them
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
*Takes one bite from every item in the work refrigerator*
Me: sometimes when a door closes there’s a window that opens
Car Repair Man: yeah I’ll definitely take a look at that
Someone needs to break it to my cat that she is not a security guard and my bathroom is not a VIP section.
Me without you is like a bath without a toaster.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
[summons genie]
genie: are you finally ready to use your wishes
me: no but while you’re here, kindly pass the remote
genie: [visible anger] you can’t keep doing this, this isn’t how this works