She just offered me a “1/4 caffeinated coffee.”
I told her I’d have eight, please.
You Might Also Like
ME: [knocks on neighbors door] I think I ran over your cat.
NEIGHBOR: What did the cat look like?
ME: *making face like I’m screaming* Like that.
“You will be visited by three spirits. The first two will be a waste of your time but the third one, holy shit…”
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
Of course folks gravitate toward you. You’re non-threatening and likeable. Same qualities as a serial killer.
My cousin mad because he just found out his wife is on Tinder but he only saw her profile bc he was on Tinder being shiesty too… so now he can’t bring it up and is just pissed internally everyday
I saved a ton of money on cool sports cars, vacation getaways and NFL season tickets by having children.
Of all the bad habits I’ve taught my kids, reassembling Club wrappers so they look like there is still a chocolate biscuit inside is the one that’s come back to bite me the fastest so far.
does the “apple a day keeps the doctor away” thing work on all types of doctors? my neighbor is a PhD in marine biology and keeps trying to talk to me about the various uses of squid ink
I need to stay off WebMD. Every time I look something up, I’m like, “Oh look. I’m dead already.”
All great love* stories** start with 2 people meeting.
Murder* documentaries**
If you’re driving a getaway car just remember the best way to lose the cops is to ship them via the post office
*getting escorted out of a Chuck E. Cheese*
Listen buddy,
This beer told me I could dance.
my (35m) 10,000 rats (1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 2m, 4m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f, 5f, 2m, 1m, 3f, 1m, 3m, 2m, 5f..
Me: I was watching this great reality show where the husband, wife, and kids were at each other’s throat over everything. It was great drama! Then you interrupted me.
Cop: That was your neighbors mail slot. Hands behind your back.
[serial killers talking] Anyway I stood there for like 10 minutes, but she never wiped the steam off the bathroom mirror so I just left
My Comcast internet goes down so often that it’s started an OnlyFans account.
I have a bit of an inferiority complex. But it’s not a very good one.
I have a very defined ab.
That’s not a typo, I only have a single ab
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
Her: If I get fat will you break up with me?
Me: No but you’re now just two more inane questions away from being buried in the garden.
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
There’s this dude who every day jogs past my house. He seems to be getting slower. Tomorrow I’m going to stand outside and blast ‘Eye of the Tiger’ to give him some incentive
[Award Speech]
Me: I wanna thank my mom, who I know is watching me from up there.
*I kiss my hand and point to the sky*The crowd looks to see my mom doing circles in a parachute thousands of feet above
Mom: PROUD OF YOU SWEETIE!
Running into someone you know on the beach is awkward. It’s like, “hey remember when we used to work together ten years ago?” Now we’re talking to each other with our shirts off.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
ME: what are those little bugs hovering around the basket of grapes?
GUY: fruit flies I think
ME: *rolls eyes* no it doesn’t, doug
My friend was like “hey bring some cd’s to listen to on the trip” and I was like “where are we going, 2001?”
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
her: wanna come back to my place and watch a movie
me: sure
[at her place]
her: *waiting for me to make a move*
me: *pointing* that rat is actually really good at cooking
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver