@Russo_Brothers
@Amusitr0n
You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful
Me: Ham sanitizer
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@Amusitr0n
@amandajpanda
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.
@KellyMeldrum
It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.
@daemonic3
me: one screwdriver please
bartender: sorry i can’t
me: what do you mean
bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars
@tastefactory
My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.
@kimtopher22
A minute, 45 seconds.
How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.
@WheelTod
Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.
@BeeeejEsq
Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.
Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.
Me: Chocolate?
@Girl_Censored
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
@TheHatStore
NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead
ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time