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@Amusitr0n

You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer

@amandajpanda

If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.

@KellyMeldrum

It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.

@daemonic3

me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars

@tastefactory

My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.

@kimtopher22

A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.

@WheelTod

Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.

@BeeeejEsq

Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?

@TheHatStore

NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time