Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@0v3rthOught

Let’s go to bed and do naughty things.

Fast forward to: jumping on the bed wearing our shoes and giggling uncontrollably.

@pdxjohnny99

I don’t sign anything if they don’t give me time to pretend to read it first.

@behindyourback

a good rule of thumb is to try to live your life in such a way that when you die, your funeral’s not drowned out by the world cheering

@PwrFulWmn

“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”

– my foot touching anything in the ocean.

@lisazumba10

Finally, my winter fat is gone… now I have spring rolls

@SondraDeeMe

I date men whom have their life paths laid out firmly and don’t waver.
Yes, their paths are Psycho and Socio, but consistency is admirable.

@iamspacegirl

[3 days after technology lets us wear snapchat filters all the time]

me: why didn’t your eyes turn into hearts when I got home today

@BadassBarbie11

Keep your friends close and your enemies in urns.

@VirginiaMcMurdo

Me making a grocery list: What essential stuff are we needing?

Him: *lists exotic, little-used spices*

@StorvLovesYou

Toddler: “I always feel safe with you.”

Me, proud daddy: *turns to see she’s talking to a stuffed bunny, a fake flower, and a toy star*