My 6yo was losing in a game of air hockey with my 9yo, got frustrated and refused to continue. I tried talking to her about not giving up in these situations and she said “Well, you give up when you’re arguing with mommy.”
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Either that loud scream was a patient yelling for help or Fred pulled the string on the bird’s tail for quitting time-
Why my cw hates me
Marriage is 33.7% hiding to eat snacks because you and your spouse are supposed to be on a diet.
“It’s just a shell… it’s just a shell… it’s just a shell.”
– my foot touching anything in the ocean.
I hate it when pretentious people try to use big words to make themselves appear photosynthesis.
I always take two stairs at a time, that way if I fall, it’s only half the distance…..
CAT: Can u check my blood pressure?
DR DOG: *places cuff around cat’s neck* Sure
CAT: Shouldnt that go on m-
DR DOG: *inflating cuff* Ssshhh
Friend: I can’t stand one-uppers.
Me: I can’t stand them more.
I went from being mama, mommy, mom, brotato chip, bruh, to now “mother”. So formal all of a sudden.
GOD: Okay so you’re super smart, this is the alphabet. You can use it—
DOLPHIN: What’s that one?
GOD: That’s an e.
DOLPHIN: I’m just gonna use that one.
GOD: But you—
DOLPHIN: Eeee-eeEEEeee. Like that.
my gf bought a table, a doily, and then a much smaller table and a much smaller doily
Him: I’m an animal person
Me: *nervous* So like, a shapeshifter?
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
ignored emails coming back to bite me call that “night of the unread”
I’m a Lit major. I did my thesis on why my car is in the front yard and I’m sleeping with my clothes on.
My son and daughter were just arguing, and as she was walking away he yelled at her “I HOPE BOTH SIDES OF YOUR PILLOW ARE WARM TONIGHT!”
Mushrooms must be protected from the rain at all times.
[becomes allergic to the floor midway through a date & slowly floats out of a window]
I feel bitchy.I want to steal your pen,then use it in front of you,while denying it’s your pen.Then leave a note that says “it was your pen”
Left work, txted wife “Coming homo.” Then I txted her “Haha whoops, I meant BEcoming homo.”
MARRIAGE TIP: When your wife forgets to set the timer and incinerates dinner, DO NOT whistle “If I Only Had a Brain” from the Wizard of Oz.
If you’re wondering how much fun I am, we were watching a telly show earlier and I said “we’ve got those gherkins in the cupboard”.
I know, right?
Sony has a site where you can watch The Interview for $5.99 and I can’t think of a single reason not to trust them with my credit card info.
For my lower body, I do 30 squats and 30 lunges. For my upper body, I put on and take off my sports bra.
adulthood is a constant struggle between “i deserve a treat” and “there’s food at home”
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
[getting murdered]
“Listen, I make a badass grilled cheese if this can wait?”
Just looked at a beautiful pink sunset and thought, “God I love London”, then remembered there is a sky everywhere and I’m paying half my salary to sleep 2 feet from my drying clothes