@dafloydsta: [first date] HER: I just love a man who's not afraid to be honest. ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.

@TheRolo: Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.

@adamhess1: I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers

@stevevsninjas: *returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won't come out of this tunnel

@ohen39: doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made