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You, watching the (…) in the text field for ten straight minutes: he must be coming up with something deep and meaningful

Me: Ham sanitizer


If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, take my fitbit with you.


It would be easier on everyone if my kids’ teachers would cut out the middle man and email my homework assignments directly to me.


me: one screwdriver please

bartender: sorry i can’t

me: what do you mean

bartender: apparently we can’t keep OJ behind bars


My cousin was Mulder on Halloween. He loves the X-Files! Oh stupid autocorrect. That should have said “murdered”. And “loved”, past tense.


A minute, 45 seconds.

How long I’ll hold my hands under a restaurant faucet before I finally realize it’s not motion activated.


Not saying dogs are better than kids in every aspect; but good luck finding a kid willing to lick up his own vomit.


Me: I always start eating a bunny by biting the ears clean off.

Her: That’s not unusual – I think most people like to eat chocolate bunnies that way.

Me: Chocolate?


NURSE: the doctor has pronounced your father dead

ME: oh my god we’ve been calling him dad all this time