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@dafloydsta: [first date]
HER: I just love a man who's not afraid to be honest.
ME: *trying to impress* You sound really stupid right now.
@TheRolo: Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
@adamhess1: I will never tire of sending random messages like this to random numbers
@stevevsninjas: *returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won't come out of this tunnel
@ohen39: doctor: [handing me my new born baby] I'm sorry but your wife didn't make it
me: [handing baby back to him] bring me the one my wife made