Decaf coffee. For people who really want yellow teeth, but don’t want to lie awake at night thinking about it.
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Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
8yo: I want to paint my pumpkin this year!
Me: Cool, what color?
8yo: Orange!
Me:
8yo:
Me: *pours drink* Let’s do it
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
No, Grandma; you can’t pull a Basic Instinct for extra potatoes at the retirement home.
Fitness tip: It’s absolutely crucial to take “rest days” when working out so you don’t get hurt. I’ve recently taken over 300 of them.
My 4 year old thought it was pretty cool that Simba could do whatever he wanted after Mufasa died. This is concerning.
Can I put on a tinder account that I’ve never lost at Wordle, or is that too hot?
My perfect woman has the brain of Marie Curie & the body of Marilyn Monroe. This obsession with extreme memorabilia is perhaps her only flaw
If someone stands you up and doesn’t call, stay positive. They could be dead.
Son: “I don’t have any clean underwear.”
Me: “Have you checked your bedroom floor?”
Son: “Yeah. All those are dirty.”
Me: ……..
*Game Character Treatment Center*
Counselor: Okay new faces, please tell us why you’re here
Pac-Man: Binge eating
Lara Croft: Kleptomania
Ryu: *crying* I can’t stop fighting streets
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers
A guy walks into a bear and orders a drink. He didn’t notice my typo. Anyway, he’s dead now.
The faster the ponytail bounces the more purposeful the woman walking
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson
“What is your reason for divorce?”
She pronounces ‘Kansas’ like the second part of ‘Arkansas’
My parents bought my kid Guess Who with a timer because it’s important that she learns stress at 4 years old
When birds poop on my car, I eat a plate of scrambled eggs on my front porch just so they know what I’m capable of.
“Sleep when you’re dead”… well this weekend consider me the dearly departed.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
My 5 year old hasn’t said a word in the car after I convinced him that the volume control on our stereo ejects his car seat.
Some people were born into their job.
That’s classic.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
My hobby is misidentifying dinosaurs so my daughter can correct me
Wile E. Coyote’s Amazon reviews of Acme products are pretty scathing.
From my Mom
I have a picture of Leonard Nimoy holding a kitten.
I call it Spock and Aww.
Thank you. Goodnight, everybody.
Coworker: sorry to bother you
Me: you should be
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.