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@connorratliff

The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.

@LuvPug

To all my friends who lost weight- I found it

@RoosterMustache

God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die

@SteveSuckington

A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number

@PwrFulWmn

I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.

@lovemydogduck

I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..

@miffedmim

[1994]
The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.

@CVTBaby

I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.

@FlyJ_

You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.

@NakedHangover

I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.