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@marcgravell

8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real

@TheAndrewNadeau

ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.

@BillPelicanBros

*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form

@KWalps

Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work

@alwayzintruble

My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..

@MissColdHeart9

I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.

@HeatherAntos

Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black

@Gupton68

[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you

@Molly_Kats

A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.