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The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.


To all my friends who lost weight- I found it


God: make alcohol really fun

Angel: haha ok

God: but it makes them stupid

Angel: i dont know if-

God: and if they have too much they die


A letter to Paul from the Corinthians: Hey sup Paul. This is the Corinthians. This is my new number


I gave birth to two human beings, yet I’m in awe that I’m growing a plant out of a sweet potato.


I don’t really hate you, it’s just that if you were on fire, I’d roast marshmallows..


The rejected Spice Girl, Pumpkin, sobs outside the studio.
Little does she know that in 20 years their fans will love her the most.


I don’t really WANT to make bad choices; but I got here late and all the good choices were already taken.


You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”

The answer is always, NO.


I’m not saying delivering a baby is easy, but I’m pretty sure all I need is a box, some tape, and a stamp.