I am always reminded of how much I am needed as a mother and wife the exact second I sit down on the toilet.
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After all these years Jude Law has finally noticed me and responded to my love letters. Something about staying 500 feet away? I’m getting it framed
I packed workout clothes and nutritious snacks for a vacation and my suitcase can’t stop laughing
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
My dog just watched me take my contacts out and I think she may need therapy now.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
My work mom text me and asked what I was doing so uI told her I’m doing my nightly Indeed 30 job applications. I told her I’m applying for everything, qualified or not, shit, I just applied to NASA and I don’t even like to fly or astronaut ice cream
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
Everybody wants to change the world, but no one can find a diaper that’s big enough.
Preschool Registration form: What’s one word you would use to describe your child?
*writes in all caps: RELENTLESS.
I love you but I still wish your family would just pay the ransom.
*At the Canadian Citizenship Exam*
Proctor: Your exam begins now and you have 1 hour to complete —
Me: *jumps out of desk and begins guzzling bottles of maple syrup* How many do I have to finish in an hour to pass?
There’s a tiktok ad I keep seeing that’s like “STOP SPENDING $200 ON SUNGLASSES.” Ok done. Easiest task I’ve ever been given
People love Count Chocula and Frankenberry, but I can’t get anyone to try Night of the Lemon Dead or Texas Chainsaw Massacrunch.
Went to the gym for the first time in months. It turns out I’m more ready for exhuming than I am for exercising.
My teen: How do you not know how to play video games?
Also my teen: So all you have to do is press left, right, up, circle, triangle, square all while holding onto the upper left button.
It’s all fun and games until you realize he understands Spanish.
My mom asked if my kids are driving me to drink with the snow days. Told her I’ve been drinking at home, stupid kids can’t reach the pedals.
animation is NOT for kids. animation is for nobody. drawings have no business moving like that
This woman’s “I’m deleting my Facebook” post has 52 comments and she’s replied to all of them. Not a strong start.
If you see a woman sitting alone eating a kale salad just leave her and her sadness alone
Selena Gomez’s friend gave her a kidney and Meghan Markle’s friend set her up with a prince and I’m not saying I’m ungrateful for my friends but I am saying that they really need to step it up
Writing “fake bills” on all my credit card statements and sending them back.
Sometimes vampires bite and kill their victims and sometimes they bite and turn them into vampires. So it’s like, do I just want supper or do I want a BFF?
Who called it sex ed and not getting an edufornication?
Like a good neighbor
plow my driveway, not my wife
Like my therapist always says, “I’m not your therapist, you’re just laying on a couch in Ikea”
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE