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8yo: “I’ve put my tooth in my room but I’m not saying where – it is to see if the tooth fairy is real or not” – this shit just got real


ME: I’m always afraid the optometrist is actually showing me 2 identical lenses and then afterwards the whole office makes fun of me for thinking one was better or worse.

THERAPIST: Yeah I don’t know what to do with that.


*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form


Murderer: *murdering me*

Me: (unconvincingly) Oh… oh no… stop… I don’t… want to be late for work


My entire day will be spent laughing at my children because they have to go back to school tomorrow..


I’ve completely changed my eating habits this week, so if I call you bad names, you’ve been forewarned.


Trump getting elected after Obama was not what they meant by Orange is the New Black


[planning a family vacation]

Me: …then we’ll get a bus between the cities.

Kids: Yayy, cool!

Wife: That’s quite some distance, how long’s this bus?

M: About 45 feet, I guess

W: I despise you


A Victoria’s Secret commercial will always come on when you’re elbow deep in a bag of Doritos.