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@Birdhumms

You want to make them feel welcome but not so much that they’d want to come back any time too soon.

Socialising is hard.

@murrman5

[park bench with girlfriend]
so you’re dumping me because you don’t think I’m smart?
“yes brent”
*starts raining*
great and now sky water

@stevevsninjas

[physicist excited about a misprinted real estate flyer]

“Honey, check this out! Four mathrooms!”

@TweetPotato314

It’s my son’s birthday this week; so we’ve been doing whatever he wants since he was born.

@rzarosco

I dont use one of those unfollower sites like a psycho. I use my handwritten list of followers and crosscheck it daily like a NORMAL PERSON!

@Trigg3rHippie

Financial status:

10 days ago: eating cat food.

Today: eating the cat.

@SondraDeeMe

[first date]
ME: I’m from a broken home.
HIM: When did your parents divorce?
ME: No, they were hoarders, and the second floor collapsed.

@voldemortsbicep

How To Make Lemon Squares:

Make the undercookie
Then the jigglesauce
Pour the jigglesauce on the undercookie and put it in the bakeybox