There should be an app in which you enter how many rolls of toilet paper you have left and it calculates how much food you can eat.
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Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
He’s a one eyed optometrist with a cauliflower addiction. She hunts babies for sport. But could a chance Christmas encounter mean a forever love blossoms. Find out this Saturday on The Hallmark Channel.
Whoever made the almond-milk carton the exact same shape as the chicken-broth carton should have to eat this cereal.
I wish young people would stop idealising future dystopias and start enjoying the one they’re in.
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
i’m sorry i didn’t text you back i’m really busy watching the wolf of wall street in the form of two minute clips on tik tok
“Sorry, guys, my mom packed the wrong outfit.”
I’ve never been on a vehicle that was hijacked but I have been on a boat driven by a teenager and I think the level of fear is probably the same
I’m getting arthritis in my pinky finger which is making it painful to drink tea in my upper-class social circles.
Me: siphoning thrills, fantasy and romance from the library’s books
Friend: why can’t you just say “I’m reading”
“LOOK AT MY ASSHOLE.” -Cats
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
Me: Open your mouth, and close your eyes, and get ready for a big surprise.
5yo: Yum! A chocolate chip!
Me: Haha you just ate poison.
5yo: Quick. Give me the antelope!
Maybe the reason you’re not having *sexual intercourse* is because you call it sexual intercourse.
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
Movie Idea:
Lohan.
Bynes.
Statham.
DEATH RACE 2
[emergency room]
DOCTOR: Point to what’s causing you the most pain
ME: I can’t, they’re at home playing xbox
To celebrate Boxing Day on Friday, I had a five minute training montage and beat the shit out of the biggest Russian I could find …
eating mac and cheese in 64 bites is called mine kraft
“They say children learn by example, even for potty training.”
-I explain to my horrified neighbor as my son and dog poop on the lawn
I would rather have a 100 poisonous spiders dumped on my naked body than a second date.
Me: So that’s a no?
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
Fixed this for Shakespeare
So, my wife did NOT appreciate her Yelp review…
This kid is going places
Wife: Silent
Me: What’s wrong?
Wife: Nothing
Me: Grabs shield and sword
I’ve got this great joke where I kidnap people’s sticker families and leave little post-it ransom notes. Adorable or horrifying? You decide
DOCTOR: You should lose some weight
ME: Ok I’ll consider it
VET: Your dog should lose some weight
ME: Hey bud, you’re going on a diet!